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27 Jan 2020

Still in love with my ex
Hi, I'm in quite a pickle. i am completely confused, terrified and panicked. My ex, at first, treated me well... came to visit me, saw me every week... and as time went by started to see me less due to work restraints. understandably. however he did not communicate well or share his feelings and so we started a 12 month long fight, and he ended up pushing me away so much so that i think i saw him a handful of times throughout the year. I love him very much. but he never made me feel beautiful or special or loved. he never went out his way for me during this last year... although we said we would try again constantly. I broke things off with him. i couldnt take being alone anymore, unnoticed and unappreciated. I met someone new. Although this new guy is extremely different, not someone i would ever go for... he makes me feel like a million bucks... hes extremely passionate and affectionate, and i think i like him a little more than friends... but i am still torn with the ex. The ex got in touch with me (not that we stopped communicating since the breakup... we have been fighting non stop since) has not decided that he wants me back and that he was under the impression that we were taking a break and not an actual break up. (this was his mistake as i was explicitly clear when we discussed it). he says he wants to try again, and that he withdrew completely like that because he didnt know how to deal with all the conflict between us. his first instinct was to run and hide. He claims that now he realises he was so wrong, and wishes things could go back to the way they once were (over a year ago). He knows i met someone new, however i said we are just friends (because for some sick reason i am still so scared of further rejection from this man...) i guess i got used to it all... constantly trying to prove myself to him and get him to want to see me... However, his reasons for treating me this way seems to make sense.... Im terrified of going back to the ex and missing out on a possibly amazing life with this new guys. This new guy.. although not entirely my type... (should that matter?) treats me like an absolute princess... and i feel really safe with him and cared for. (i am so not used to any of this... ) I love my ex... but i fear he will become a dirty bag to me again... Sigh. What on earth. Please help?
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Expert
CyberShrink
CyberShrink

29 Jan 2020

Hello Kelly,
It would be interesting and useful to hear what other readers think about this sort of situation, which I'm sure some of them have experienced.  It sounds to me as though your more basic problem lies in your expectations of a relationship, perhaps low self-esteem and self-confidence, and similar factors which make it less likely that your relationships with anyone would be likely to succeed and remain happy and fulfilling.  
What is most like to help you, would be for you to see a counsellor to work on these issues : such as the way you feel he needs to "make (you) feel beautiful or special or loved", rather than gaining the ability to love and appreciate yourself as special and fine fro within your own confidence, rather than needing someone else to somehow prove it ; feeling terrified of rejection, feeling you have to "prove yourself" to others, and needing someone else to make you "feel like a princess" while ignoring the queen you probably are.
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