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13 Jul 2010

A letter to him...
I''m bi-polar, been involved with a guy for over 2 years now. He is making me sad, and I don''t know if he even realise. I write him the following on email - I didn''t know how else to put it:
(what do you think?)

First off, I am so over-sensitive it’ s not even funny.
And I feel overwhelmed with everything on my plate right now so losing weight and doing gym is not always my priority (though I know it should be).
So I cried yesterday, for real, not just for drama.
The emotions go whacked out when my meds are wobbly, but that’ s getting under control so it’ s not the end of the world.
And I am so completely frustrated that I’ m really rather huge right now, believe me, I’ m not ignorant or in denial, I’ m just not making it to be skinny at the moment.
I do know it will be ok, I know I’ m going to be absolutely insatiably $exy again…  in time.
That time is just not right now. But I know so intrinsically that once I’ m more stable, other aspects of my life will fall into place and I will gym everyday and eat healthily and turn into the beautiful swan I used to be.
So you know, I promise it’ s not because I’ m lazy all the time, things are not right and I need to prioritise my stability (mentally, emotionally, FINANCIALLY) and I don’ t feel brilliant right now to be getting ALL of it right whilst maintaining the perfect body as well. Maybe I’ m just not that good, but that’ s ok, because as long as I’ m not suicidal I think of that as a very good place to be.
One step at a time. That’ s all I can do. That’ s all I have the energy for right now, and that energy is volatile at the best of times.
I’ m so tired, exhausted, sick on and off. And I’ m also only human after all.
So forgive me, but I will keep trying nonetheless.
And the fact is that when I’ m with my family, or hanging with my son, and I wear jeans that make me look hippo, they just don’ t comment. They don’ t mind, they don’ t even pay attention.
We just get along, they seem to get that sometimes I’ m skinny, then sometimes I’ m fat, and I’ m just relaxed around them and I don’ t feel bad that I’ m so fat…  they just don’ t make a big deal about it.
My son hugs me the same way, he loves me the same way, he still thinks I’ m a cool mom, no matter the size of my a$$.
And it was such a relief not to have to feel guilty or awkward or weird or always be wearing dresses to feel sort of acceptable.
If you can’ t accept me, small or big, and if I feel as insecure and awkward around you as I do, it’ s not healthy. It doesn’ t help me, it does make me worse.
Because then I can’ t be ok just being me. And I feel guilty all the time. And more and more I’ m feeling very unattractive.
The more I hear from you “ when are you going to gym”    “ when are you going to gym”    “ when are you going to gym”  the more it reinforces that I’ m not ok.
That you’ re not ok with me. By all means encourage me, but please give me a break.
And if you start finding that you’ re not $exually attracted to me when I’ m fat then that’ s ok. You also only human, it’ s only normal for a guy to want $exy, toned, tight a$$.
Then we can be friends and you can have $ex with maybe someone like [your friend] Diane who’ s got that tight $exy little body that’ ll knock your socks off.
Just know that I want to get better, I really do. However, I want to get better in all aspects of my life and being skinny for you is unfortunately not right now something I can just do at the snap of my fingers (although I wish I could).
Whatever you feel is ok. Whatever turns you on is ok. You choose because it’ s your life.
Hey, maybe I get $exy again soon enough, maybe we do have $ex again.
I just don’ t want to feel as ugly as I do around you because you think I’ m not gyming enough. The fact that I want to try and live and make the most of me is so important to me, and in my view it represents progress. My mind and emotional well-being and stability is precious to me and I want to maintain some success in that regard.
Being reminded of how fat I am is not going to help at this stage.
Answer 413 views

01 Jan 0001

Well said. I presume this arrogant and insensitive guy is himself a magnificent adonis whose looks and figure regularly stop traffic ?
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