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Question
09 Aug 2010
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About mom and put downs
I''m a married lady of 30. Very happily married. We have a very close extended family. The thing is my mother always puts me down. Every chance she gets. In front of company. And it hurts!
When I draw her attention to it, she says she didn''t mean it that way. But even my husband has noticed. I have told her that when she says things like that, it hurts me, although she doesn''t mean it that way.
And then she says she wants to be my best friend and she wants to be able to talk to me! If i talk to her about something, she pretends to listen. I know this because when I talk to her about it the next time, she says I never told her.
I feel like she''s a " fair weather friend" . She''s always been like this to me. I''ve tried, really I have. And I don''t want to stop the visits as she''s my mom, and we love her.
When I draw her attention to it, she says she didn''t mean it that way. But even my husband has noticed. I have told her that when she says things like that, it hurts me, although she doesn''t mean it that way.
And then she says she wants to be my best friend and she wants to be able to talk to me! If i talk to her about something, she pretends to listen. I know this because when I talk to her about it the next time, she says I never told her.
I feel like she''s a " fair weather friend" . She''s always been like this to me. I''ve tried, really I have. And I don''t want to stop the visits as she''s my mom, and we love her.
CyberShrink
Try to treat your mom's unpleasant comments as you would treat the dog next door when he barks - the noise is about the dog, and her nasty comments are ABOUT HER, not about you. let them pass. Treat it as though she had embarrassingly passed wind - its not pleasant, but not something you'd allow to ruin your evening.
Tell her if she genuinely wants to be your best friend, she still has to learn how to be friendly , and how to pay attention to what you need and enjoy, and to notice and react to whatever effect her words have on you.
Tell her if she genuinely wants to be your best friend, she still has to learn how to be friendly , and how to pay attention to what you need and enjoy, and to notice and react to whatever effect her words have on you.
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