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29 Jan 2004

Abuse
I have a question for everyone and answer as u c fit!
I am in a relationship for the last three years and over this period of time, I have been told alot of lies. I have over the period of time caught up with the lies and confronted my partner on each occasion.
To this end, I am always constituted as a nagging, digging person who wants to only invade my partners privacy.
I am a person who stands up for herself and also wont make assumptions w/o facts in hand. Now heres the question. If during a fight, I stand up for myself 'like a man' (well he said this) because i believe in something, I also provoke the person on the point, Does he at any stage in time have a right to physically abuse me.
If he says "Try me out and i will teach u a lesson ... and i say .... teach me a lesson." Have I asked to be hit and smacked around?
Can getting a slap now and again or having a bleeding lip be alright if the individual is provoked to such an extent?
Heres another question?
If someone intends getting married. How is marriage defined.
Should there be secrets, under the counter things and basically things done behind ur back between mother and son.

When the mother says "u just cant pick ur woman" ... should the son stand up for his intended wife or just leave it be.

What do u do when his mother has difficulty cutting the apron strings. When we get married, she wants my future hubby to buy our home jointly on her name and his and she said that it should not be on mine. When this was said, my future hubby did not stand up to her!
She is the type of future mother-in-law who walks into our home and wants to move the microwave somewhere else etc.

When the mother says "Shes a sponge" even though "I supported him during most of our relationship" ... should the son support his intended wife or just leave it be

Should the future intended wife be treated as an inferior person because he is suppose to be the man in the house though we are both professionals
What is the essence of marriage?
Should a guy stil have his private life to do as he pleases and then when he has time ... have his married life
Should things like showing love (cuddling) only be done when he has time and not when we have time?
Is marriage a partnership or a king servant environment?
If someone is short tempered, do they still have the right to inflict bodily harm on someone even when provoked to far extent?
Is it right for a guy to threaten me, or threaten to teach my family a lesson or cause my brother to loose his job even though my brother my only standing up for me
Should my brother have the right to stand up for me when he realises that I have been abused (he lives 600km away)

Is lying hereditary, his entire family has lied to me abt one thing or another .. and we are not talking abt small white lies. Is cheating also a genetic disorder?

I am also a person to blame. I maybe attack male ego by showing right from wrong. I stand up against the other person. I do become nagging and digging if i find that what the person is telling me is not consistant and i will push a point even when i c that the person does not want to answer anymore. So i am not trying to make myself into an angel. I have suggested councelling, he wants it and then he doesnt want it. We are both unhappy yet so deeply in love and stand on the brink of marriage. I love him to bitty pieces and I know that is not attachment or being content with living with one another?
I hope and pray that u ppl could give me an anwer or assist me in trying to make my decisions. If i am wrong, I can take it. Just tell me what i am doing wrong? My emotional state is so tender at the moment that I just burst out into tears at work, at home, when i sleep, when i awaken and as i am writing this posting.

Answer 456 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Nicki, nobody teaches any lessons worth learning, by hiting and hurting anyone else. yes, some woman who et physically hurt by their husbands, have indeed been severely hurting him verbally ( which wounds can be at least as hurtful, and leave brises which heal more slowly ). But if you're accurately describing your side of this, you're not talking about anything terribly provocative on your part.
Neither lying nor cheating is genetically determined, though perhaps growing up in a lying and unfaithful family, can teach you how to do it and suggest that it's what you're expected to do. But the slaps and the bleeding lips are NEVER accptable. Call a group like POWA, which provides specific support and help to abused women.
The mother-in-law sounds well beyond over-protective, and well into the range of the outrageous ( eg suggesting that your family home should be in HER name and not yours ).
If any man treats you like this before marriage, it'll only get worse afterwards, and he needs to understand that though you were thinking of marrying him, you can't agree to marry his mother as well.
And OF COURSE he was trying to make you feel in the wrong --- abusers ALWAYS do --- they never feel that anything is their fault, and always blame their victims. Of course, they can occasionally snivel in fake apology, twhen it suits them, but they never behave as if they believed their own apology.
It seems that all our readers are unanimous about this, too. You desrve so very much better than this sorry specimen.
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