Ask an expert
Question

12 Feb 2004

Abusive Relationship
Hi ppl
I chattered to ur'll previously abt my relationship where i kept catching my partner out in his own lies and picking up on his deceptions.After hearing every reply by the ppl in this forum "was to leave him" ... i went home to call it a day.
When i did this, he got defensive and eventually agreed. Two of his friends came over that evening and we told them our intentions. We told them the story, and they pointed out to him how wrong he was and that i have been right. I am not the kind of woman who wants to be Miss Right all the time, but if i am right, i will stick to my guns and if i am wrong, then i am wrong. He has since realised how wrong he had been and apologised profusely on several occasions. I have told him that i will push his button again and he will get angry but he does not have the right to hit me. He has a degree in psycology and a legal mind that will make anyone feel small. I have since caught up with his antics and can call his bluff. The question is: Do i believe that he has actually changed. Do I give myself to him again fully? Do ppl who have a violent background actually change?
I was all hunky dory until someone mentioned to me that a person reaction is their true self and when we fight, instinct comes to play and a reaction is a violent one. I have suggested councelling, he wanted to then he didnt want to and now everything is just great in our relationship at the moment so its a dropped subject. I know, I know, I seem to have lost the basic ability to make a decision and stick to it, but love really has such a play in life.
Answer 461 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Nicki --- answered by me at your second posting of this question. I'll agree with our other readers that it is very difficult for an abuser to change, especially if they dawdle about getting the expert help they need. They absolutely typically apologise, and usually "make nice" for a time. Until the next time they really lose their tempers. Too many abused women accept the horrible episodes of abuse, in part because they enjoy the nice periods of apologies, and because they choose to believe empty promises.
Maybe he can change --- ten he can ask if he may re-enter your life at some later date, when he has finished the needed therapy and can be far more sure of staying non-abusive.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
Have you entered our Health of the Nation survey?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
Results
Yes
33% - 9362 votes
No
67% - 19318 votes
Vote