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07 Aug 2007

Advice?
Hi CS

Hope u well. Its flipn freezing here today. Def not a day for deadlines.

It amazes me how people get STUCK in the past!! Cant they just let go and move on with their lives?
Anyway - I'm going to ask you a question which is kindof rhetorical, but would appreciate your feedback.

I know this was a while ago, but i wrote you bout the whole story of how much i want a baby & thought (was told) that my "fiancee" wanted the same - marriage, a child or two and family life, then he came up with this story that alterations on the house and a new motorbike were more important remember & you (& all the other shrinks on this site) pointed out that he obviously wants different things.
So....I finally got the courage to WAKE UP and admit that you were right.
I officially moved out 2 wks ago, now have my own flat, independance etc. But I spoke to him about this nearly 2months ago tho & said its over. I've given 2 and a half years to a promise that doesnt exist.

He told me I run away (the story of my life - i KNOW i run - thats y i try fix the problem before i am on the verge of running) He is a flipping lawyer, was about to take my ex boyfriend to court and now says i "ran from him too"....... so basically is agreeing that i have this running problem.

So y the hell wont he let go? All we do is fight. Is it normal for anyone to WANT that?????

Now that i have moved out - HE WANTS TO TALK (something he never did - our relationship went down the drain cos he REFUSES to communicate) IS BEGGING WILL DO ANYTHING TO SAVE OUR RELATIONSHIP MARRY ME TOMORROW (STILL THINKS ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION IS A WASTE OF MONEY - EVEN THO THATS THE ONLY CHANCE HE HAS OF HAVING A CHILD WITH ME AND KNOWS HOW IMPORTANT THAT IS TO ME) BUT HEY EVERYTHING ELSE, WILL SELL THE FARM FOR ME... (?????) WHATEVER I WANT. WHAT THE HECK???

Is this like a bruised ego thing? or is it for real? like he really cant "cope" without me?
And WHY am i so worried about how he feels, if hes ok...cos the strange thing is - if i know hes ok....i'll be good to move on.
Why do i feel so much sympathy/empathy/pity (?) for someone that i'll sacrifice my own needs / dreams only for them to feel better????? that is screwed up.

And i have a friend (he would like to b more than friends) but we not & hes shown me how a person SHOULD / CAN BE TREATED / SPOKEN TO.

do i listen to my ex - hear what he has to say, give him ANOTHER (about the 6th) chance? or do i go thru the hurt and try get over him and move on?
i have the chance to ALLOW myself to be loved, respected, treated well and yet i feel sorry for someone who didnt care that i was living out of a bag because he was angry with me and i couldnt stay in "his home".

CS - I dont really know what i'm asking you? Maybe YOU do???
i think i just needed to talk.
And i guess hear your thoughts - that would be good.

Take care

Answer 459 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Flippin freezin here as well, J.
Sad that your old bf doesn't seem to have realized that in his old age, the motor-bike won't make him a cuppa tea. And though he may be partly right that you tend to run from some situations, he doesn't sound as though he was much involved in trying to actually solve any of the problems, rather than commenting on them ( typical lawyer !).
But if he is really saying he is prepared to change and to now do anything to sort out the problems, why not get him to engage, with you, in relationship counselling, to see if satisfactory change is actually possible ?
However, if you are ready to move on, do so calmly and politely, and leave him behind. Don't waste time feeling sorry for him --- that's actually of no benefit to you or to him. Sounds over-all like moving on is the best idea, especially as you have found someone who treats you appropriately

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