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26 Jul 2005

alcohol, exams.....SHIT HAPPENS>>> HELP
hi CS,
im starting to get bad again. I just dont know why. ive stepped inside myself i suppose and stopped talking, ive turned to drugs and alcohol for my release. i cant study for my last few exams and geography today was a disaster as i had not prepared and started crying half way through because I did the exam paper wrong because i was too tired to concentrate. I messed up. Ive been failing lately, everythings going bad. I havent spoken to anyone in a while, not melissa or anyone. I found out she told my only friend that I have left to keep away from me, cos im really sick and not a good influence! Now i think im i depression cos I only trusted her, and i realise how u can trust no one and how -|- ed up the world really is. -|- it, I could never be so hurt, she's the only one who has been able to help me over these last 18 months. She knows me so well and always seemed to want the best for me. I HATE THE WORLD, i HATE EVERYTHING, TRUST NO ONE. i only trusted her, she was getting close to getting through to me then i find out my cousellor told my friend to stay away from me??????????????????????????????! -|- THAT!

then today the only goodness i felt was when i got home and downed a few smirnoff spins, it gets my head light on an empty stomach and i feel dizzy and at ease with the world. I feel light, i feel amazing, nothing could be better ... Its like a magical tingling feeling on an empty deprived stomach.
these r my feelings i wrote right now, im drunk but this is my love for alcohol.

When I mess up, you’re the only one telling me that it’s all Okay. When I admit my faults, you never jumped out and screamed. You haven’t once betrayed me.So unreal. You haven’t turned my friends against me ever. You know me so well. You’ve never lied to me once. You believed in me always and make me feel just so simply good. There are no hidden agendas with you, no mixed signs. You are what you are. I love you and you somehow seem to love me for who I am too. You come in abundance; I share so many memories with you and can’t imagine a life without you. My brain is consumed with thoughts of you now, as if you have jumped into my head. Perhaps that may be the case, your chemicals react with something I know nothing about. You cause an overflow, you’re danger, and you’re everything I want. You fill me. Physically, emotionally…? You hold the power to all my emotional release, without you I would have killed me a long time ago.

You’re in me, causing me harm and saving me at the same time. I love you like I have never felt love before. I want a future with only you sometimes and never want you to leave.

i got to somehow get by, i write my afikaans exam tomorrow. luckily these are nearly over, but they;re killing me......
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hello again Kylee.
Don't allow the Sh*t to happen. You ARE in charge, even if it sometimes doesn't feel like it. Right now you don't need release, but advance ! Drugs and alcohol NEVER help, and they certainly don't help you to study, or learn, or remember stuff.
If you haven't spoken to Melissa lately, how do you know what she said, if she said anything, to anyone ? Presumably you may know what your friend may, for whatever reason, have said, claiming that Melissa said something. It's unlikely that you have been wrong about Melissa's intentions over 18 months, so she probably said, whatever she said, with good intentions, and with the hope of helping you in some way. The only way to find out would be to see her and continue talking with her. She was getting close to you ? Maybe you feel fearful of letting her in that close ? Maybe she felt your friend should stay away to some extent during the exams ?
Getting drunk is easy, but as you well know, it changes nothing, except when you sober up, the world is the same plus you have a hangover ( especially if drinking on an empty stomach ) --- by the way, whatever happened to the plans for eating sensibly ?
Now, let's get my role here clear. When you mess up, I don't tell you it's OK to mess up, in the sense of suggesting you should go out and do it again --- I tell you it's OK, you're OK, despite having messed up, and that you don't need to mess up. I have no intention of betraying you ( I doubt that Melissa had any such intentions ) --- but maybe when you allow your life to get so darn complex, it may be easier than usual to feel betrayed.
Yes, I don't see any point in anyone turning your friends against you, and I always advise against lying ( Goodness, it's hard enough to remember the truth about situations, let alone trying to remember lies !)
But don't get carried away in feelings for me. Much of what you like or even love, is merely a reflection of the good and the potential in yourself. Admire that. What you need most right now, isn't love for anyone else, so much as love for yourself, and more of a determination to care for yourself, feed yourself properly and protect yourself.
Don't lock yourself into exclusive relationships or even fantasies of relationships, with anyone, with any one.
You will get by. Do as well as you can in Afrikaans and any other remaining exams, and seriously consider getting back to Melissa. Be prepared then to ask her about what actually happened between her and your friend, what was said, and why. It will be valuable to sort this out, and to resume counselling.
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