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18 Jul 2005

Am i being selfish or confused
Hi
CS i hope u get well soon and i wish u a speedy recovery.

Can anyone please advice me on this matter please, as you know that i had some problems with my B/F and we sorted them out well. So here comes the trick we were so happy and we decided that we should start a family and i even went to the gynnae and now i feel that i am not ready to have a child now the reason being im not financially stable and my B/F is working but he is working on a contract basis in one of the departments.

I told him that but he says we will cross the bridge when we get there and i told him that i want to have a baby when i know im ready financially and he said he wants a baby and he gets angry when we start talking about this. For an example i was supposed to go for the second time to a gynae when im on my periods and they came and i told him and he said i should borrow money from anyone and he will replace it month end so i told him that this is one of the reasons i dont need a child now and he got crossed with me accusing me of making him a fool.

Now i feel he is pushing me to do something im not ready and we keep fighting about this please help me i need ur advice. He told me that he is getting old i should have a child and he is 30 and im 24 this is stressing me so much. I asked him why do we need to have a child before marriage and he said he wants a baby before we can talk about marriage after. Am i being selfish or what please i need ur inputs.

Thanks for your time.
Answer 417 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hello again, Sister Zazi !
Good to hear from you, and thanks for your good wishes.
In an odd way, your bf's petulant insistance on having a child NOW just because he wants one, echoes the reactiosn of the selfish wife described in a neighbouring question. Children are not library books, to be taken out when you feel like one, and returned when you're finished with them. Yes, a child should be wanted, and conceived when the parents want it --- but also when they are financially, msocially and emotionally ready to have a child and to care for it, throughout it's life, as well as possible. You are surely wise in recognizing that you are not yet ready for this step.
I would feel a bit suspicious about why a man ( it's not typical of the species ! ) should so suddenly start insisting that he wants you to get pregnant so he can have a child NOW. What else is going on to lead to this unusual demand ? he is not nearly "too old" to have a child. While women have a good reason to be cautious about starting to have a child in their late 30's, for reasons connected to posible health risks to the child, men can father and raise children into their 80's, so he doesn't need to get so impatient !
And then he's insisting on having a child before he even talks about mariage ? Isn't he playing the old tradition of claiming that he wants proof that you are fertile before considering mariage ? I recognize the cultural norms that used to exist around such ideas ( though I confess, to me it always sounded more like a policy for buying a cow than for forming a loving relationship with a real woman ). In the modern era, and under our new constitution, surely we recognize that a woman owns and is in charge of her own body and her own fertility ?
You are not being selfish ; he is. You are being wise and sensible, and thinking of the welfare of the child. Nobody is making him a fool but himself, at his own insistence.
Good luck in your search for a more advanced and exciting job !
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