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02 Feb 2004

Am I heading for a breakdown?
Dear Doc

As a write to you, I sit with a huge lump in my throat. I'm actually shaking a bit and I feel like crying.

I'm 23 years old and have always been a bit of a worry wart, often analysing everything to the nth degree.

I'm involved in a 2 year relationship with a great man. I feel a bit like I'm going over the edge a bit though, I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like I'm losing him because of my behaviour.

He plays cricket as a hobby which often means him playing for the whole of a Saturday and most times also a Sunday. This means that on a Friday evening we go to bed early, so he is rested for Sat. and on a Sat evening he's so tired fro the game, that we end up not going out and getting to bed early. ( We both live with our parents but he sleeps over at my place on weekends)

Although I always go and watch him and support him, I feel so lonely, so rejected. I feel like theres no room in his life for me. I have told him how I feel and he has assured me that he loves me and that I am important to him...we've also decided to get married in 2years or so. The thing is, every time I tell him how I feel, he thinks I'm telling him to give up his beloved sport. That's not what I am saying. I just want to know if he misses the time we can't spend together as much as I do. I just want him to tell me I'm important too.

Recently I've been teary all the time, I find myself saying silly things to get his attention. Also, I find it hard to deal with everything else at the moment. I find it hard to be around people I don't like. This is a bit of a problem as the one person is his brothers girlfriend and when sees around, I feel so irritated that I act differently and my boyfriend an I always end up arguing. He doesn't understand how I can be "Such a horrible person". He says I should just ignore her when she's there and get over myself.

I feel like my behaviour is causing us to drift apart. I feel like I'm loosing him. I feel paranoid and shaky. Please help me. Should I go and see a counsellor? Am I heading for depression?
Tofsy
Answer 393 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear tofsy,
Fortunately, you are NOT heading for a breakdown, but it would be a really excellent idea for you to see a counsellor. You sound rather immature and more than a bit spoilt, wanting to be the center of attention, and spared of the annoyance of even having someone aroud who you don't greatly like. Life never works that way.
I seriously wonder if you're truly in love with with this young man, rather than being infatuated by him. Love means really wanting the person you love to be happy, and to enjoy their hobbies and pasttimes, not wanting them to give up everything that takes them away from your side, even briefly.
Love does not mean becoming a pair of Siamese Twins. It means being happy when the person you love is happy. It means being self-confident and generous enough not to expect that the loved person must be feeling awful simply because for some of the time they need to be away from you. It's not as selfish and self-centred as what you're describing. It means not feeling "rejected" if he allows some other people and some hobies to have some importance in his life, as well as you. It means not seeing his love, attention and time as one lump that must belong totally to you, but as something that he can share among other people and activities, without caring any less for you.
I disagree strongly with "Happiness" --- it is you, not your boyfriend, that urgently needs to grow up and try for an adult relationship, rather than a childish infatuation. NOTHING whatsoever that you describe this young man as doing, is in any way selfish. Good grief ! He feels tired on Saturday nights, and prefers to go to bed early rather than to go out partying and clubbing with you ? That's sensible, not selfish. If "going out" is the most important thing, for you, rather than enjoying the "staying in" together, then you're really missing something.
You find it hard to be among people you don't particulrly like ? Learn how. You'll never get a job without having to learn to get by with people you aren't wildly fond of. Don't you need to be tolerant of other people, rather than expecting everyone else to run round and jump according to your preferences ?

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