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22 Jul 2005

ARE MY PARENTS THE ONLY ONES WHO MAKE THERE KIDS FEEL GUILTY???
How often should a grown up child (25) visit her parents?
Why everytime I can't make it for a visit does my mother sigh and basically force an "ok" out and then its "but I miss you" "I never see you" and the tears start welling up?????
I used to visit once a week for dinner but I don't live around the corner and it was getting to much as my husband and I have quite a busy schedule. I then said I can't make it every week but we will try and pop around on the weekends which we do (not every weekend but I try). Lately I have been under so much stress, work is busy and I have alot of things on the cards so time has been very sparse and yet, once a week on my way to work I make a detour to drop off muffins at my moms. I know I only "stick my head in the door" but I am on my way home from work. But, every week it is.... Can you not stay a few minutes.. and today again the tears start welling.... I MUST BE THE WORST DAUGHTER EVER. My whole day is ruined as I wallow in my guilt which turns to anger. If I went home and sat on the couch every night I could say yes I should make more of an effort to go over but I really am busy and in my free time I also have to see my friends and husbands family but when I do am feeling so guilty about not being at my parents. WHEN WILL I STOP FEELING GUILTY. My sister lives overseas and NEVER here them saying "we miss her" and need to see her.
What should I do?????????
Does anyone else go through this.
There must be a hundred things I feel guilty about and it is really bugging me lately I think my stress and guilt is taking a toll on my life.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Seeing how common this problem actually is, and how skilled some parents are at it, you'd think that Making Kids Feel Guilty was one of the primary tasks of a parent. But it isn't. Hunt around online, and see if you can find the classic and brilliant book "How to Be a Jewish Mother" ( the author points out from the start that one need be neither Jewish nor a mother to be a Jewish Mother ). SHe buys you, for your birthday, a red and a blue T-shirt. You thank her, and rapidly put on the nearest one, the red one. She bursts into tears, and says :"I knew it ! You HATE the blue shirt !"
And someone, somewhere must give lessons in those powerful sighs. Remember, that some moms have their own special variety of masochism, in which they actually enjoy a particular form of martyrdom, and will be skilled at interpreting nearly every action or inacion on your part, as neglect. The reporter asks the astronaut's mother, soon after SA's first woman astronaut has landed on Mars, "have you a message for your daughter ?" "Yes," she says, " Why can you never take the time to call your mother ?"
Set yourself free, recognize that both by your vists and your absences, you are contributing to her self-image and her enjoyment. Interesting, too, how they only do this to excellent children --- the worst daughter in th world never gets made to feel this way, but may get treated like royalty on the once a decade visits she makes.
I like VM's comment --- remember it IS a sign of how much she loves you, and be happy that she is still around to annoy and challenge you.
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