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16 Nov 2004

at a crossroads
i am really confused-i've been studying a really stressful course and finished this year-but as we know things from our past creep up when our defences are low-and mine were. i remembered something from my past-an incident of improper touching done to me by an uncle. it's affected me so badly that i've realised why i do the things i do-why i've made aquaintances all through life, been very shy and unsure about myself...thing is-i don't know details-can't or won't remember.i've withdrawn so completely-knowing that i was depressed for months that i still sometimes feels as if i'd like to simply hibernate for a while, pharmaceutically helped ofcourse. now i've just finished my studies, am sitting with this secret, feel like i've dealt with it but not totally, experiencing the effects of withdrawing myself totally from all friends-i not only feel alone, i now am.strange to think that as much as i wanted to pass my final exams, i was afraid of what lay on the other side-i was working towards something, feeling something-even if it was stress and anxiety, but now, the stress is gone, i should be ecstatic, but i feel nothing again-as if forgotten-i'm graduating and everyone is proud and patting me on the back and i feel lost-i don't know where to from here-i again feel what i was afraid i'd feel-nothing...
Answer 415 views

01 Jan 0001

tee, is the issue of improper touching / late impact of child abuse or molestation / remembering past truma, perhaps a theme that was discussed in the course you were taking ? Some people, with encouragement from the situation, remember such events which didn't actually happen ( if they did, generally we always remember them, rather than forgetting them for a while ) ; and where such things did occur, they may have no negative impact at all ; sometimes they are related to a number of later problems ; they NEVER explain everything about how or why we behve as we do. Either way, you could profit from seeing a psychotherapist, but NEVER one who uses hypnosis, and rarely is it beneficial to see one who specializes mainly in the issue of adult problems related to childhood abuse. As I've discussed often ( check the atrchives ) such people too often find what they're looking for, whether or not it was there to start with, and too often they have their own axes to grind and their own hobbyhorses to ride, rather than simply attending, as you need, to your CURRENT problems.
And let yourself enjoy your graduation --- you worked hard for it.
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