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14 Jul 2005

Awhole new me.
After months of being depressed, I have finally got rid of all the luggage in my life and started on a clean slate.
Being at the same company for 4 years and never getting anywhere. Being told yesterday that after 4 yrs, I must start paying R180 per month out of my own pocket just to park on the premises. Being the same boring position and seeing the same old miserable faces everyday. Just handed in my resignation this morning. In a months time, I will be working for a wonderful company. I will have a fantastic position and I was told that in a few months time, there will definitely be growth for me. I am happy to be leaving the place that has given me no appreciation at all.

After a year of being with someone who was so self- consumed - I decided to pull the plug. At first it was like dream come true and I thought I have met the man of my dreams. Instead I got to know the true him and it was not pretty. So controlling. I lost all my friends because of him. I had to ask him if I wanted to leave the house. He could go out and mess me around and spend nights out at Strip clubs but I had to stay at home because he had "trust issues" with me. How must I feel when he goes out just to see some chick show her guava at him. All the lies and secrets. He denies ever messing me around but I have a feeling he did - just cannot prove it. Every 3 months I would have to change for him because he did not like who I was. at the end I did not even know who I was myself. I did not even know how to make myself feel happy. Got told that he did not care about my feelings and whether he hurt me or not. All he could say was that he is an insensitive and nasty person and I must just deal with it.

Why did I stay with him an put up with this crap day after day? Because I thought it would get better. There were days when he was genuinely nice to me and I actually believed that he loved and cared for me. We were engaged and had a future planned together and I did not want anything (big or small) to come between us. And if we wanted a future together, then we had to work on our problems.
I loved him in the beginning but then he changed and my love for him slowly disappeared. I was hoping that my love would return but instead it turned into hate. He kept throwing hurtful remarks at me, kept on bringing me down and used his status and power as a hold over me. Every time I voiced my opinion, I was told to pack my bags and F*** off out of his home.

I made sure that his clothes were always washed and were ironed for work. That the house was clean. And made sure that he had a cooked meal when he came home from a hard days work. All I was, was a glorified maid. The trophy wife. The pretty young wife who would sit at home and do house work, while he is out at sleazy joints. Being laughed at behind my back by his colleges coz they knew what he was up to and I had no clue.

I have been on anti-depressants for 3 months, just so I can cope with my relationship. I am happy but feel like a zombie. I want to be naturally happy and want someone to make me happy.

So I have packed my bags and left. I am too good for his shit and I do not deserve it. I am staying by a friends house (the only friend I have left) and I am happy. I don't have to tell anyone where I am going for having someone follow me to the doctor just to make sure that I am actually at the doctor.
I am happy without him and I am ok with being alone. All I want are my friends and to feel appreciated. I left him with not much to my name and very little self confidence. But it was worth it. And showing him that I am doing great without him, will make me even stronger.

A new job and a new life- What more can I ask for?
Answer 478 views

01 Jan 0001

NN, sounds like you have made sensible and profitable decision in two major areas of your life. There is value in being hopeful, but not when it means that one behaves like a doormat who hopes to grow up to be a persian carpet. One is ALWAYS better off and happier alone than with an overcontrolling and hypocritical guy like you had.
Well done !
I agree with Liza's important point --- don't stop the antidepressants too soon and without checking with your shrink, and don't take any supplements or 5HTP ( a similar product, once marketed in the UK, caused terrible health problems ) on top of the antidepressant.
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