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29 Sep 2009

Break up Hectic
Hi All,

This has been a long 2 year story but I will try and make it short and to the point. I Have been with my fiance for 2 years, We had twins 4 months ago and she also has a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship. When she fell pregnant we were seperated and she had moved out so it was not a planned thing, We tried to make things work and they did during the pregnancy, I got us a bigger place to stay in and bought her a car. We are from very different backrounds with her growing up on a farm and me in the city. We have started disagreeing again as we did before the pregnancy about things like when is bed time for her girl, I say 8 and she says there is no bedtime. We fight about this and other things constantly and when I try enforce routine in the house she just ignores me and sleeps in her daughters bed, She has been sleeping there for 3 months. I have had to get a full time maid and a full time night nurse as she says she can' t do the night feeds with the babies, She is also unemployed and refuses to get a job. Currently I have not paid the cars for three months due to finance problems and am about to be blacklisted. Still she remains home, I arranged a job for her and on the monday when she was supposed to start she just said she does not feel like it and did not even start, Initially I thought post natal depression and borrowed money to take her to the doc, She has been on anti dep for 2 months now with slight improvement, Problem is that she was like this even before she had the kids so I don' t think its PND. She alwaysw threatens to leave me and the kids, Says ugly things and when upset her and her daughte will flat out ignore me for weeks on end. I cannot carry on like this anymore and have begged her to try and help, either by doing the night feeds so I can get rid of the night nurse or getting work. She has said she is leaving this weekend which I don' t know if I believe as she has nowhere to go. Any advise please
Answer 434 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

YOu mention the rural / city differences in your backgrounds, but the way she has been and is behaving don't sound as though they would be typical or acceptable in the farm community where she grew up. For her to expect a maid and night nurse for the children, and to just "not feel like it" as regards work when you are havign financial problems, does sound lazy and inconsiderate and spoiled. I see your observation that, having behaved like this before the births, it is unlikely to be PND. I wonder whether that diagnosis was properly and competently made ? If she is not truly chemically depressed, antidepresants won't be able to help, and may merely be making her more tired.
It also does sound as though hwe threat to leave you and the children ( which would be highly irresponsible of her ) is unrealistic if she has nowhere else to go. Are you sure she doesn't have some other relationship, someone else, like maybe even the father of her child, she is thinking she could turn to ?
You could try discussing this calmly with her, and make it clear that you cannot afford to support her as someone who does nothing but expect you to hire other people to do everything for the home and the children. IF she wants to leave, there may be no great loss to you or the children ( as she doesn't sound as though she is actually mothering them much ) --- but wouldn't you sill have the problem of having to hire someone to care for them ?
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