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18 Apr 2006

Break up then death, what to do
My boyfriend broke up with me in December after living together for 5 years. We just stopped putting in effort and our relationship suffered for it. We love each othervery much but he said he had lost himself but still wanted to remain friends. It was a very amicable breakup. I was devastated but slowly got on top of things and started dating a new man in March. When he found out he decided he had made a mistake and wanted me back, he even said we can get married. I gave this careful thought and realised that even though i love him deeply, none of our problems were solved and that it wouldnt work. When i didnt go back to him he started to get depressed and was battling to come to terms with the loss. On top of this now, our best friend was killed last week and he is devastated. This is our second friend to be killed in 3 years. He isnt coping with this sudden tragedy and this has made him realise even more that he doesnt want to lose me. I love him so much and want to take his pain away. I dont want to hurt the man i am seeing now, but i just feel that my ex needs me. Will going back to him be a mistake in the long run? My new man doesnt understand why i am trying to support my ex. I am just so confused now. I know i love him but is the heartache of our friend dying, skewing my logic. will getting back together under these circumstances be right??
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Sounds like you were very sensible, Kay --- unless something definitive has been done, as in couples counselling, to solve the problems that have arisen and to prevent future problems, it is indeed rather likely thaqt they will recur. And one might be concerned that he "decided he had made a mistake" only when you ad started dating someone else. Dont rush back into the relationship simply to try to ease his grief and his loneliness as such. He should see a counsellor to work on his own sadness and grief, and if you want to seriously consider getting back with him, decide this only after you two have worked for a while with a relationship counsellor. You are both grieving for the loss of your mutual friend, and that is indeed very sad, but not a good reason for getting back together again at this stage. I agree with Tango and Honey
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