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26 Jul 2005

Cannot choose
I met this man 7 months ago. At the start he said he wanted a 'friend'; a peer/buddy to hang out with... this was cool because I was not really in the market for a lover.

He is seriously separated and in the middle of a divorce after a marriage of 25 years.

I came out of a serious 'living together' relationship of 20 years at much the same time.

Very soon after we met it was already clear that we had an incredible physical chemistry between us and within 2 months we became lovers.

The problem is that he goes through these wobbly patches where he will suddenly - in the middle of dinner for example - decide that he now has to be alone for a few hours... and then just take off. It upsets me terribly - try as I might to get it under control, it devastates me every time... He then gets even more knotted when I get upset (he cannot deal with emotional upset stuff he says) and then he turns around and says that he cannot be my lover but he just wants us to be friends... because if we were just friends it would be ok for him to sometimes just take off.

The thing that makes this 'wobbly' patch of his so scary is that he completely withdraws (physically, mentally etc).

I am upset when this wobbly patch happens occasionally - and now he is expecting me to accept it as the 'normal'.

I love him - I cannot imagine my life without him... but on the other hand, I cannot imagine living with the 'wobblies' all the time... Its like living in an earthquake zone - you never know when its going to strike. Anything can set it off - incidents with his kids, his estranged wife, work, something at my house...

He keeps telling me its not me, its him... that I am collateral damage in the war he has with himself... as if that is supposed to make me feel better.

I need some good sound advice from clear thinking people please...
Answer 399 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

This was not a wise relationship to get embroiled in. Both of you were vulnerable, and not even on the rebound but in the midst of emotional turmoil on ending long and troubled relationships. That is NEVER a good time to plunge into another intimate relationship.
At this stage in his life, these periods when he needs to be alone may indeed be normal. And if they are unacceptable to you, as you may feel you need more consistent affection, then maybe this relationship is not going to work out. He should be seeing a counsellor so as to better handle the situations that set off his wobblies, and maybe you deserve to see a counsellor, too.
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