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28 Jul 2005

Cant get over loss of friend
You’ve Got to Go a Long Way

Together we acknowleged I had a long way to go towards a world of healing. This all consisted of the monotonous break throughs, relapses, doctors, psychologists, encouragement, weight influctuations, psychiatrists, tears, medication, counsellors, hospitals, support, pain, revelations, dissapointment… yet we knew standing on the border of time we could make it through. It’s a challenging mental recovery with that unknown to me but actual mundane road which can only be travelled alone, yet you my best friend guided me and picked me up, forcing me to walk the road to life everytime I wanted to head back to my self destructive ‘short cut’.

It was because of you I took the courage to begin my first few steps into the unknown ‘darkness’ of normality and health. You were the bravest girl I knew. You were always there like I was there for you. You were a buffer between me and the real pain I felt. My troubles ran through you like rivers yet we always solaced each other throughout all the good times. Then something went wrong. My insanity flooded your mind. No one could save you like you did me and help you dry up the tears you shed for me. Your biggest fear then was just losing me to my mind which was my madness.

Then the power of my sickness sprawled helplessly in between our closeness, infesting you too. Then unfortunately you became a coward like me. You let it defeat you as you started to walk further and further away. You ran before my disease was able to get its claws into your healthy head. The more I couldn’t find you the more I needed you. I called out for you, but all I heard was an empty echo of my cries for help. You were gone. You Left me and self destruction as my only deviation. Were you pretending to chase dreams as a distraction? Maybe I was staring at the mirror too hard when you pulled the rug away. Or I was simply only happy with the silence I felt when all the noise was there. I stood still, I didn’t notice you were gone, I continued to stare…I was on the rebound. You released a precious grasp and I didn’t shed one tear no matter how hard I tried.

You played with something fragile and inevitably dangerous at the wrong time. You made a brave decision on my behalf. You didn’t lose me to my mind. You decided to lose me to your mind. To not have you now is a change of life, you’ve left an empty void. I’ve lost all the comfort within all routine and the words within each scene I knew. You’re just an unfamiliar face that I used to love which I am forced to see everyday. I recognise your smell, it creates a sickening sadness. You look at me in. I can’t go on under this sedation. I pretend not to care. Only the memories exist now, but those don’t matter anymore because I hate all the memories I have of you, they’re just a reminder of an unknown girl who once broke my heart. You said you left my sickness, how can you not understand that my sickness and I are intertwined? So my best friend, how could you leave me when you knew I needed you most? I have run out of your medication. Without it I’m feeling asphyxiation. I wish I could hurt you like I hurt myself.

I don’t know who I’m meant to be or become, but this has happened and you didn’t stick by me. I can’t feel anger but I am saddened as I wouldn’t have done the same to you. Was I too much to ask for? You left me because I know you can’t relate or feel sympathy as this disease is self inflicted, but it’s all in my head. I never asked for sympathy, I asked for you. I never asked for my sickness either, I asked for help. Please save me from my head. The months we’ve been apart now don’t matter anymore when it’s the days I can’t take. The hours move to minutes and I feel I’m only seconds away from you.

All I needed from you was a reaction so I still keep retracing the steps as if I’ve forgotten what happened. Do you still care? I’d love to say the words “I hate you!” It seems it would make everything feel alright, but hatred at you is only inflicting more anger upon me. I carved another indentation. I’ve been told to focus on finding onIy me first and then to try find you again, but how do I find me without you because you are me? I didn’t realise the term ‘best friends forever’ came with so many conditions attatched. You cast me aside making my demise become your aspiration but you’ll never take the blame.

Suicidal ideation broke with ease because of my weak anger. At first the pain was so deep that I only wished I cared less, but now the pain is even deeper and I wish I cared more. I’m over it. I have moved on, friend. I just don’t know why I can’t break this bond between us. I still believe a friend is a friend forever. I created this illusion to protect myself that everything would be alright by letting you become the demon in my mind. You left me standing by that mirror. I guess Im still standing there motionless waiting for you, but now that mirror is broken. The shards are edged into my skin. I continue to bleed... I ignored the dried blood for so long because blood boosts my elevation. It’s about time I wipe the stringent mixture of blood and tears. I liked to believe the blood wasn’t mine. I never face the results of the cut. Everything you had once touched is now torn.

There’s more to life than your ‘perfect world’ and image girl, life is about the people you love. There will be problems along the way. Maybe you’ll learn one day, Steph. I’ve come a long way without you. It hasn’t been fun or easy. Somehow I carried on. Don’t you think it’s your turn now? I moved on without you or the games in my head. In the end I’ll be so strong from losing you both. I’m contempt now. I’ve learnt who true friends are and how to be one. Im proud of who I’ve become now, im never going to aim at becoming the girl I once was before I got sick, that is the past. I’m proud of who I am now. I only miss what you were to me. You’re still in my mind. I know it was me, I know it was my disease. Beautifuls girls’ lives are ruined with such an ugly disease. Yet I was dissapointed how your actions exuded a nothingness after everything we’ve been through.

Yes, I may still have a long way to go but Im taking each day as it comes. Yet after all my pain, I think I have gained and experienced so much more from life because of this all. I have come so far already in my head. This is your life and that was your decision to leave me. Yesterday is dead and over, but don’t let yourself become immune to all purification. Unfortunately, I lost a lot in you. We both lost each other in the end, except the tears and memories. I’d rather forget them. I also lost the me I had in you.

Although you may think it’s me who still has a long way to go. If you look harder and see past my evident flaws, you’ll see it’s actually you. Your words were lost in my bloods sweet translation. With which poisonous substance did your trust ever really lay? So it’s you, it’s you who really has a long way to go, girl. You’re the one who has a lot to learn. Maybe you’ll see one day what I’m talking about, good luck. Just remember, a friend is a friend till the end.

Dear CS,
I can't seem to break this bond between what My best friend and I had before she walked away. She walked away in December and its still relatively new, these feelings Im trying to come to grasp with. Im only just starting to realise she's not going to be a part of my life anymore. but i cant seem to break the bond. I cant, i feel so much pain iver her loss. My friend gina took over and has been here for me in my matric year but its not the same. Ive tried to forget steph, but its too hard, there too many memories... Im a deep person who holds things and people close to my heart. we havent spoken since december 1st of last year. she couldnt care whats happening to me now. i never meant for my illnesses to break the closest friendship, but I would never have walked out on her, since a friend is a friend till the end...
Answer 340 views

01 Jan 0001

I hope you are returning to Melissa or a similar consellor, to work through this.
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