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22 Nov 2005

Childhood Abuse Could Affect Me Now At Age 27?
I need some advice. I grew up in a house where my father was an alcoholic and my mother was beaten and mentally abused by him from when I was about 6 years old. I am now 27 yrs old. Eventually the abuse panned out to both my younger brothers and me. I was very defiant and so ended up with most of the mental abuse. I lashed back at my father when he lashed out at any of us. My mother never stood up for herself – which drove me mad. The physical abuse only stopped after my brothers beat my father up twice once they were physically able to. Since then he does not harm my mother physically, but the mental abuse will probably go on forever. I moved out when I was 18 yrs old and started working to support myself. I lived alone and I was happy having peace and quiet. I never formed any significant relationships nor emotional bonds, although I was with many men. As soon as anyone got close and serious, I panicked and got rid of them. I met my current partner when I was only 20 and he seemed so stable and opposite to me that I did form a bond and we are still together. However, I am in the process of destroying this relationship. It would not normally concern me much but we have a 17 month old baby boy that I would give my life for. I don’t want him to lose his dad. I don’t think I love my partner anymore. I think I stopped loving him as soon as our son was born. I devoted every bit of my energy and love to our little boy. He is a good person, but I am battling to find the glue we need to fix this. Either he is unaware there is a problem, or he is not interested. Through all of this, I think I may be the biggest problem. I have told myself that nothing in my childhood has affected me, I have convinced myself that I am stronger than that and I felt I can deal with all this on my own. Maybe I can’t because I am cracking right now and I do not know what to do. I have never asked anyone for help, I have always looked after myself and been completely independent. My partner has told me that I am unreasonable and need to see someone because I suffer from OCD. I don’t think it is quite that bad, but I know I am unreasonable. I look for fights, I have no patience, I criticize everything he does, I insult him constantly, I have to forcefully control my temper if he does something as stupid as drop a glass, or not tidy up after himself. To top it all off, we have enormous financial problems where I am putting myself deeper in debt every month to try keep up with the bills that he cannot afford to pay. We both work full time but he is a rep and his income differs, whereas mine is constant. I am paying nothing except bare necessities. He has even worse debt than I do because he cannot manage his money. He tells me I have OCD because if I get angry, I feel better once I clean up anything I can. I just feel I am neat & tidy – but I don’t know anymore – maybe I do have a problem. I do get anxious if things around me are not where they should be and are not clean. I dwell on any mistake I may make – I expect perfection from myself and also from people around me, he is right in my line of fire, and he is generally a clumsy, untidy person – so you can imagine the anger I am trying to control all the time. I am very high strung – I even lose my temper with our dogs if they do not listen the first time. I know I am ridiculous with some of the things I do, and yet I also have a completely different side to me around my little boy. I somehow find the patience, and I do not lose my temper with him. I have never smacked him out of anger and I love him constantly – even when he does throw a tantrum. I am able to ignore a screaming, yelling tantrum and not get worked up at all, but if something as minor as my partner banging a pot accidently happens, I actually feel the rage boiling up. How on earth can I be like this? Why do I get so annoyed at him but not with my little boy? Is there something wrong with me? I cannot argue constructively with him because if he does not want to hear my point he repeats himself over and over again, which causes me to feel I could actually take a gun and kill him. I have the desire to take something and break it. That is how angry I get when he refuses to have an intelligent argument with me about something that matters. Then I end up ignoring him for days until eventually I blow up again.

It is not always like this, we are generally pleasant and ok with each other. But I feel as if it is hard work to be nice. I find it difficult to ignore things that I want to criticize or comment on.

Please help me. I cannot go through life being this horrible, obsessive person. I feel so lonely and helpless. I cannot tell him how I feel because he does not understand. He did not even believe me initially when I told him my father was an alcoholic – until he was caught in the middle of a massive fight that turned bloody, and he had to stop my father from killing my brother with a kitchen knife. Then he admitted he believed me, but has never really shown any interest when I try tell him how things were in the house. I get along with my father now – he adores my son – and I feel I have forgiven him. I don’t think I ever hated him, but when I see how much he adores his grandchild, I feel I could never deny him that. I don’t want to seem like some sort of victim who feels sorry for myself. I am not. I just need some advice on where to start.
Answer 428 views

01 Jan 0001

To summarise, you may indeed have OCD< and do at least have an obsesive personality, you have severe relationship problems and trouble with excessive irritability and temper. Why not see a good local shrink for a proper assessment, and then discuss treatment options ? Nothing to lose by that. And Counselling of the CBT form, and perhaps some medication, depending on that the assessment reveals, could make a vast difference to the lives of you, your child, and this apparently pleasant man who doesn't deserve grief.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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