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17 Apr 2006

confused about something, Tango please help me. :)
Nope it's not physical, body is just fine.
I'm 22, male and have never had sex before and am confused about sex. I'm not sure if I am abnormal or need therapy for my problem, but I know it's bugging me.
I'm happy to say that as a male I am healthy and masturbate to relax and relieve any sexual frustrations. Hey at least Im not like a lot of the people on here who get bored with thier partners and sleep around, or have sex and forget the wrapper!
My problem is that I am confused with the emotions and thoughts behind sex.
I tend to watch a bit of porn from time to time as it helps with the masturbation.
But at the same time I really hate porn and I hate the way sex is portrayed in the videos or how women are portrayed in the magazines or whatever.
I know a lot of women like to watch porn with their partners but that makes it also more confusing for me.
When I make love to a women some day I feel it will be all about her or else I would feel very bad. I like the cuddling and affection rather than the way it is in porn and to see women enjoying just being treated the way they do in those videos really bothers me. It has actually affected me so much that I have to write to you.
I hate the way the women are just there to please men, yet at the same time is that what they want and is that the way they want to be treated? I cant believe that any man would want to have sex with his wife or partner and not give her an orgasm if he has one. How can he do that? What happened to ladies first? I have been to many websites to find out as much as I can to find out what pleases a women and to find out as much as I can about her anatomy so I will be able to please her better. I want to do all the work and I am the servant errr... it's all about her. I think this is a problem? I dont want her to give me any pleasure in a way, because from al the porn I feel kinda offended or feel bad if any women would feel the need to give me pleasure. I find it derogatory in some way. This is really embarassing. I know you will think that if I watch the porn and Im aroused by it then surely there is no problem. But I think any man seeing a women in the flesh and having sex with someone would be turned on. It's pretty normal.
I suppose sex for the women in those films has no meaning and is just something to do for fun and that really bothers me, or are they sexually healthy? I swear I am confused!
Maybe Tango can help me with this one, or perhaps she will be offended that I watch porn oh dear!
www dot bettydodson dot com has people talking about fantasies and things and what is wrong and right?
Geez, I have heard from a lady friend that anal sex is enjoyable for a women because it stimulates the G spot on the bottom of the vagina, but to my knowledge there is only one G spot at the top of the vagina. So what nonsense is this. If my partner wishes for me to try anal sex with her then I definately will but if it is useless and doesnt provide any pleasurable feelings for her, what is the point. I have had a colonostomy (is that what it's called) and it's bloody awful, it just feels like you need to go to the bathroom! Oh what a turn on! NOT!!!!
If I'm not mistaken having anal sex with a women who doesnt want it is abusive? Damn right it is!
I believe to ask these questions about sex is very healthy because the more I learn the better. It's good to hear everyone's opinions as well!
I told my mother once that my friend's dad like porn and she replied with something along the lines of: "So I guess everything isnt okay in their marriage or him". That has stuck with me ever since, perhaps I am doing the wrong thing by looking at porn, perhaps it really is filth?
Meanwhile some couples watch it together because they find it adds something special to their sex lives. There comes in the "Everyone's opinion is important".
Different strokes for different folks as they say. Perhaps I am trying to find me as a sexually healthy male.
This is where you as a therapist might accidentally give your opinion of things in sex and yet your business is not my business. haha
Sometimes it must be tough to be a therapist. Do you get a lot of sex questions in therapy with patients? Do you refer them to someone else. I hope you can at least help me with some of these strange questions.

Answer 392 views

01 Jan 0001

Hello Dittohead,
Having ANY form of sex with someone who doesn't want it is abusive and wrong. Yo are not abnormal nor wrong in looking at porn occasionally --- only when it is excessive or replaces real human relationships is there a problem.
You seem to be adressing your question to Tango, yet you ask questions about being a therapist, so I'm not certain who you are addressing. All competent therapists ought to be able to handle sexual concerns with their clients / patients. People vary widely as to whether sex is a matter of cocern to them, and as to what, if so, concerns them. Yes, it is often tought to be a good therapist. Check out the archives of this forum, for many previous discussions of sexual matters, including aspects of porbn.
It seems to me that your insistence on consideration for the woman, is excellent and encouraging --- though perhaps you over-emphasize the master-slave aspects of having no goal but her pleasure. Surely the point of a sexual relationship is MUTUAL pleasure and each person's concern for, and respect for, the other and for themselves ?
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