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09 Feb 2004

CONFUSED, HURT & ANGRY & LOST
Good Day Doc
This past weekend - for the first time he and I had a real heart to heart and for the first time I cried because inside it really hurt like hell.
I am so confused I feel like my head is spinning. He apologised to my mother about what he did ( not being there for me when I needed him, I lost our baby) asking her for forgiveness for his behaviour, admitting to her that he truly loves me and wants us to work things out and he wants to come back home but we need time. I am angry and hurt that he has not discussed any of this with me, because he told me that he wants us to be friends and in front of his friends ( we had a braai at my house on Saturday) says that he misses our home and wishes that I would accept him back home. I dont know if he is just playing games - He is really twisting me into a knot, I dont know even know how to react to him, He refers to everything as "our home" - "my wife" - I am so confused - I think he is too. I dont want to push him into anything - I do love him but a part of me resents him terribly because I feel that he put me through unneccesary hell when I was pregnant, I felt so rejected and alone - what assurance do I have that he wont do something like that again? I miss him and I am truly torn apart inside. Him and I were very happy - it seemed almost too good to be true, besides the pregnancy - everything else was perfect. Last night when went to bed there was such a void - I cried myself to sleep ( the embarassing thing is that I could not stop crying - i could not control my sobbing) eventually I fell asleep. You know this hurts - It's so much that I miss especially the little things like I miss waking up to the fresh coffee he made every day, the way he used to say certain things. The way we could just watch a really boring programme on tv and not even say anything to each other and just be so content with each other's company. What is wrong with me - Should I just let go? I dont really know what to do.
Please help your advice is always highly appreciated.
Answer 437 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Juzlisen,
yes, it's awful how strongly we really want certainty within relationships, and how hard it is to get something even approacing certainty. I suppose that, rather like religious beliefs, much of what's needed is a matter of faith rather than scientific guarantees.
It sounds as if he's currently doing and saying most of the right things ( maybe he says some of them to your mom because he feels shy to say them directly to you ? He'd be certain that she would tell you what he said, wouldn't he ? ). But you feel, understandably, that this might be a bit too good to be true, and are scared that even if he means them right now, he might not long continue to mean them. What are the options for dealing with this sort of situation ? I'm sure our old friend Juslizen would have excellent advice if someone else had posted this question. Relationship counselling might help, if practical. And maybe just some plain, calm talking through, being frank about how you feel, what you miss, and what you're scared of, to see how he feels, and how he suggests you two might manage to deal with this ?
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