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29 Mar 2007

Confussed
In Oct 2006 I found out via my cell phone bill that my husband of 17 yrs has been phoning this young girl of 21 almost every day and then they would speak 20 -30 at a time. I also noticed that he sent this girl about 10 sms's in one day and some after midnigth. I confronted them both and she said they are just friends which I dont really believe cause if u are friends that I were not aware of what do u speak about for so long. My husband owns a microbus and he used to drive her to work in the afternoon when it is time to go pick up the other peopl, so they they had ample oppertunity to do whatever as they were alone. He said that they are just friends also and when I threatened to leave he said that he felt sorry for her cause she had some personal problems at home and just reached out as a friend. I feel that he fell for her even though he doesnt want to admit it and they had more than just a friendship going on and I am not sure that they still contact each other cause I dont believe anything he says anymore. Admist my turmoil of dealing with this, I felt betrayed and ashamed and angry, and found the contact number of my ex boyfriend of years back that I never gotten over and phoned him. Ironically he is married for 5 yrs and from what he told me is not happy also with the way things are going. We made an appointment to see each other and the chemistry is still there for the both of us. However, the dilemma I now have is that we both feel that we want to explore the sexual side of our relationship but I am very confussed and scared about this cause I have 2 daughters who are very attached to their father and I have in passing asked they would feel if I leave their father and they dont answer me, just walk away. I have given so much of myself to my marraige, my religion, my friends, etc to make him happy and at the end of the day my husband cheated on me. I dont feel the same about our marraige and have told him so but he still insists that we should save the marraige. My ex boyfriend feels he need to work on his marraige as well but that we should explore what we feel for each other even if it means cheating. I am so scared of losing him for a second time by not sleeping with him and see where this migth lead but what if he just sleeps with me and then our relationship stays there. I have already lost most of myself with being the perfect wife and look where it got me and if I submit to the person whom I loved trully for the longest time and if it turns out to be a disaster I dont know if I would be able to handle it. Should I take the chance of possible happiness for once for myself or am I being selfish????
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Well, we all know that the "we're just friends| excuse is a total lie. Very good friends never communicate that often and that intensely. And any spouse who has such a good friend, wouldbe eager to introduce them to their spouse. And even a licensed therapist doesn't speak so long and so often with someone they are trying to help with personal problems. Marriage counselling might help you btoh, either to reconcile or to part sadder but wiser.
BUT having an affair with an old flame will help NONE of you, and this is a lousy time to leap intom a fresh sexual relationship. There is no hurry to cheat anyone.
You are making the false assumption that plunging into a torrid affair with your old flame will bring you the lasting happiness you deserve --- that is in fact unlikely to be so.
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