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17 Apr 2006

Contemplating to end my relationship :'(
So here I am – way too busy to actually write this and way too scared that I might break down any moment. I need to write this even though it means that I’m procrastinating again. I’m scared, confused and barely holding it together. I am at least still holding it together. I’m trying to keep the panic and scared emotions in because I know as soon as I’m going to give in I’m going to break down and cry like never before…. If you didn’t maybe figure it out by now: This is going to be a loooongg letter and I’m still not going to be able to say everything because that’s impossible but I’m still going to expect a solution which I know you’re probably not going to be able to give me. Not because you’re not a good psychologist but because you don’t know everything. I’m probably also not going to make lots of sense – or maybe be misinterpreted because I tend to let things come across wrongly… but I cant see a shrink so this is my only option and I’m desperate for any solution.

So Here goes

I think I matured very quickly in my life, I’m a deep thinker and so I believe I’ve made good choices – about many things. I believe that I wasn’t pushed into doing many things – mostly I did things after great consideration. There was one idiotic period in my life and that was in St 8 when I believed a “charmer” “joller” idiot, luckily I realized before it was too late but he did manage to break my trust in guys and people in general, I don’t trust easily, if I even trust at all. Now this overboard thinking of mine has helped me A LOT but it’s also caused lots of pain and anguish. Reason for this is that sometimes I over-think things instead of letting them just happen. And I believe by doing this I’ve sabotaged a lot of things in my life – I actually caused the things that I didn’t want to happen, to happen.

I don’t know where to start. I think I’m at one of those highly important cross-roads of my life and I have no clue what to do and I’m petrified of making the wrong choice. I’m in a relationship – and we’ve been dating for almost 3 years now. Our relationship progressed very fast. We started going out very soon after meeting and just grew stronger faster and faster. It wasn’t a teenage crush – not from my side anyway. We talked properly and we got to know each other in the proper way – we just happen to do it faster than most people. We saw each other every day – we still kept other social lives but maybe not as social as other students. I didn’t go into the relationship blindly – or so I believe, I told him even before we started going out – I barely knew him then – everything he needed to know about my past, how I work and what I need from a relationship, what my issues are etc. so he and I knew what we were going into – sort of anyway. I thought about every aspect and from early in our relationship we had these heated discussions – where basically I’d talk about all the insecurities I had and about fears I had and we’d work through these, thing is I inspected every detail of our relationship – I’ve been on the defense from the start – always trying to predict possible problems and sort them out before they arrive. Problem with this was that I actually caused problems. Now I know a relationship isn’t just one-way so my bf also has blame in a lot of our arguments. I always explain our relationship as passionate – we argue passionately, we love extremely passionately and we social passionately. We’re not a mellow couple. This worked for us but I’m getting tired of the fighting.

Now I want to make one thing clear – I love my bf extremely!!! I didn’t know it’ll be possible to feel this deeply for one person and I know he loves me. He loves me in the way that only a man that’s given his whole can – a man that hasn’t been hurt before. I’ll never doubt his love. I do however doubt our relationship and have done so many times down the road but never in this way. Problems we’ve had are among others with his parents, especially his mom. She’s a very overbearing person and difficult to live with. She’s naïve and still believes we’re children who have nothing valid to say. My bf is very abrupt with her, very impatient and yells her down. He does this to me as well sometimes which I don’t like! I understand why he does it to hear but I’d like him to treat me better. His parents are in the process of divorcing – they’re both at fault, his mom is overbearing and always wants her way which is usually not a very effective way. His dad blames everybody else for his problems and shut up completely when it comes to talking about issues etc. I DON’T want to end up like them. My bf is like his father in the regard that he doesn’t easily take responsibility for his own actions, he always has excuses. He’s however not as emotionally incapable as his dad. I fear that we’ll end up like his parents. I wish my bf would just mature a bit, I feel like I’ve become more like a mother figure than a gf. I’d also like him to be more serious about things like his studies etc (we’re both 21, still studying) I’m scared he’ll end up like his dad – who’s never had a stable job and was always looking for the big easy bucks – the easy way out etc. His dad moved to SA before my bf was born (from Zimbabwe) to become rich here, the town he chose didn’t make him rich so he moved again and so it went on their whole life – they probably moved about 4 times. Now he wants a divorce because everything is his wife’s fault, she kept him from being happy. I don’t want to end up with a hubby that can’t keep or don’t want to keep a job or who thinks the grass is always greener on the other side. I grew up in a family where my father was (still is) a brilliant business man, my mom very logical and good with work (although I got my worrying habit from her), we’re a very good family, get along well, have very open relationships – really tell each other everything. That’s why I find it difficult to bond with his parents because they don’t talk, his mom is the most manipulative person I’ve ever met!! and his dad avoids everything….

Problem is they raised my bf, doesn’t that say something? Will my bf ever grow up? He is mature in many aspects and much better with his emotions and discussing things than his parents, he’s got great qualities, that’s after all why I love him but unfortunately he does have some qualities from his parents that I’m scared off. He doesn’t really look at the future/ plan for the future; he doesn’t easily take responsibility for his own actions etc. I know it’s easy to always see the bad qualities and you’ll get bad things in any relationship – I’m just wondering if we can overcome the bad things in our relationship…

I know I haven’t been an easy girlfriend to my bf, I’ve gone in many panic stages and threatened to leave him twice already – I didn’t mean it either of the times but it did it’s damage, bad damage. It’s just I don’t want to end up miserable. And I’m wondering if it doesn’t mean something that I’ve been unsure about our relationship (or certain aspects of it) from the start, doesn’t that say something? Shouldn’t I start listening to it?

I’m a very emotional person and need someone that can handle that. I need a man that loves me and loves me a lot, which will put me first. I don’t need a man that’ll stay at work until 10PM every night. I need an ambitious man, yes but one that’ll still put me (his family) first. Is this too much to ask? All I ask is that he does his work well when he’s at work but comes back home when it’s time. I’d rather live a little less luxurious and have a good relationship than have all the money and no relationship. I’m also going to work so there’ll be a balance. He won’t be the main breadwinner. Anyway I’m just jabbering on about nonsense…

So we’ve established that I am in a very passionate relationship – one where there’s a lot of fights but also a lot of love. My question is: Should I stay in it? Lately I’ve just felt so trapped, like I need to get out and just be single. I don’t have the need to get drunk every night and sleep with a million people but I am scared that because I met my bf so soon and because we’re still so young – and this is basically our first extremely serious relationship that I might have chosen the wrong man? From the start my worry has been that there is maybe someone better out there for me and I’m scared that my bf is going to wonder about this someday as well. I can’t even bear the thought of him with another person and I get very scared if I think of the possibility of losing him but I’m so scared that I’ve/we’ve messed up things too much already. I find myself wondering about guys and how a relationship would be with them.

Thing is my whole life is invested in this man that I love so much, he’s already a son to my parents, a brother to my siblings etc. We’ve already stepped into “matrimony” – a year into our relationship, after lots of soul searching and talking we decided to take the step of having a sexual relationship. We took this very seriously, I’m not one of those hyper-religious people that believe pre-marital sex is your doom but I do believe it’s special and I didn’t want to give myself up to just anyone – I don’t judge people that sleep around, just the ones that does it stupidly, as in no protection but I always knew that wasn’t for me. I’m a one-man person; I need a secure, loving relationship. I can’t do the casual thing. Anyway our sex life has also always been very passionate but lately that has gone down too – I know it’s mostly due to stress on both our parts but also because our relationship is a little bit shaky. We thus made that promise to each other early already that we are each others partners. That’s why it’s so difficult for me to question our relationship now. We however also said back then if we ever felt that things aren’t working anymore we shouldn’t stay together just because we’ve taken all the steps. We’re basically in a sort-of marriage and have always seen and discussed it as this way so in a way I feel like I’m considering divorce which is really hard on me. I know I’m sounding very naïve and ignorant, it’s just because I’m trying to state everything in as short a manner as possible…

If I leave my bf, I know I’ll never find someone that’ll love me as much as he does and I know I’ll break him. He’ll probably end up hating me and I don’t know if I can bear that but I’m also scared that if I stay with him that I’m also going to mean the end of him and me. Because yes my needs aren’t being met, I need him to stand up and be responsible for a change; I don’t always want to be the driving force. I make him sound like a weakling – he isn’t. It’s just with some things I think he finds it easier to leave the decisions over to me, it also comes down to him having a low self-esteem. Will this change? Should I leave him? I don’t want to end up hating him. One side of me really wants to go out there and experience life without him and the other side is desperately clinging on. I wish I could go and find answers and then just reverse time and stay in my relationship because I don’t want to loose him but I also need answers. I don’t want to have questions my whole life! Or end up divorcing him at the age of 40 etc

I can’t stand this hesitating anymore; I’ve been hesitating from the start. Should I, shouldn’t I? Please help me!! Please! Can I find a better relationship? Will my bf and I always fight? Will I ever be content? Will he mature? Am I holding him back? Am I actually keeping him from living life? This is killing me, just please give me a solution, please! We can’t go to see a psychologist so please give me any solution….
Answer 450 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hello F,
Phew ! What a long message ! Any longer, and I'd have had to break in the middle to get a sandwich ! :}
Sometimes it helps to type it all down, so that your concerns are somehow OUT THERE for you to look at and think about, rather than inside and more menacing and harder to handle. You're right that a shrink can't give you the solution, nor can anyone else --- the most a shrink can do is to help you find your own solution. I don't understand why you say you CAN'T see a shrink --- doing so, seeing a counsellor, could help a lot, and costs less than smoking or joining a gym. In many situations, it costs less than NOT seeing a counsellor.
Parts of your self-analysis ring true --- about over-thinking, and being over-cautious and losing spontaneity, for instance. Sounds like you've been trying too hard to control everything, and you've discovered that if one tries too hard to prevent problems, that itself causes problems. There's no reason why your bf should grow up to be exactly like his parents --- in different ways they have provided him with warnings about how NOT to go. And he sounds more mature than many of his age ; and he will mature over the years --- why would he not ? Life is work in progress, never fully completed.
The fact that you fel insecure about this relationship from the start does NOT necessarily mean that there's something wrong with it or that it's doomed --- that seems to be how you feel about all relationships, at present. Could you find a better relationship ? Unlikely ; and impossible if you entered any other relationship with the same set of assumptions and behaviors as you are showing in this one. and that brings us back to counselling. Consider the two of you arranging, perhaps through FAMSA, some relationship counselling --- even a few sessions could be very helpful indeed.


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