Ask an expert

17 Jul 2008

Dear Sir,

I really am very low at the moment. I met a man via two colleagues over the internet. They thought I need a life - a social life! They posted my details etc etc. I eventually found out that they had communicated with a really nice gentleman on my behalf 3 times.

We subsequently met, have dated for just over 7 months - not without an issue though. In March he accidently sent me an sms which was meant to go to a " friend"  We really have the same ambitions / dreams / we are similar / morals / values etc

He is divorced. His wife left him I think about 2 years ago for her business partner - a woman!

Inbetween his divorce and me he had to admit to me that he had some ' gay experiences'  this comes from the sms that accidently came to me. He claims it was only fondling, kissing and hugging!

I forgave him and just wanted to move on with our relationship. He is an amazing father, a wonderful person, BUT... I did not confess all my fears and anxieties to him with regards to what my colleagues put onto the initial dating site. I was not the author of the lie (actually a half truth)

The truth has now come out!

I need to know how can a man who says he loves you unconditionally not forgive you as you forgave him his ' gay experiences' 

Apparently he had 4 of these gay experiences.

I have had a HIV test done, but because we made love 3/4 weeks ago nothing is showing. Should I insist that he has one done?

Do you think if this relationship can work that he will always want to have ' gay experiences' ?

I am totally shattered. I truly love this man with all my heart and really want to just sort this crap out between us, but we both are very stubborn and very proud people.

I really want to approach this positively in a mature way. I am relocating to his town which was an arrangement prior to me even meeting him and definately hang out at the same places for meals. No clubs and pubbing. However he has now told me that he is clubbing with one of his gay mates!

Also please give me your opinion. He has a very close female friend 20 years his senior who is like a mother to him-lovely lady, and he has two close gay friends he had while he was still married and they have remained close. He doesn' t seem to have real stable ' guy friends'  except for one family I met. These two gay mates of his are really nice, well respected men. Is this normal for a very high powered man or is this the remnants he has from his divorce. Is it mormal not to have more straight friends than gay friends? I know he is very metro sexual and very in touch with his feminine side. Its just someone pointed this out to me and is now worrying me!

I am just so heartbroken at the moment. My days are unfocused, my eyes blur up with tears constantly. If I tell you that my heart actually aches its the honest truth.

Please could you contact me and just give me advice? I really would appreciate anything constructive at the moment as I am feeling very destructive emotionally at the moment.

Perhaps I need to go an see a therapist?

Many thanks in advance.
Answer 468 views

01 Jan 0001

In some ways your story exemplifies the problems of internet-related dating --- that things are rarely what they seem, and people rarely who they are declared to be. Maybe a counsellor could help you explore the many issues you raise, and work towards making sensible decisions about them. On the gay questions, actually its not a black/white gay or straight thing, as most people are somewhere on a spectrum between the two extremes, and many otherwise fully heterosexual men have some gay experiences, without swinging way off towards that extreme
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
Have you entered our Health of the Nation survey?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
33% - 9362 votes
67% - 19330 votes