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09 Nov 2006

Daughter 'stealing' from me!
My daughter is 22 and moved out of the house 2 yrs ago to live with her boyfriend and their son (1yr). My mom who lives with my husband and I , looks after their son while my daughter works (waitressing). I dont often see her as she works shifts and therefor is at my house when my husband and I are not there (he is not her biological father). Problem is she leaves her place comes and showers at our place, eats, does her washing, watches dstv until she needs to go to work. She also goes through my clothes, I dress quite mod and we are the same size, she takes my clothes without asking and then when I look for it a week or weeks later I call her and she says"oh I might have it I will have a look and bring it back" It got to a point where I told her she is not ALLOWED to go through my cupboards and I believe it had stopped. Yesterday my maid tells my mom she saw my daughter in my cupboard and that my daughter took 2 new tops of mine and a pair of trousers and stuffed it in a bag. My mom confronted daughter who became agro and said I am always picking on her and blaming her and that she does not want to come to my house anymore. OK, now the facts are, because of her working hours I almost never see her, she works 4pm till 11pm and every Sat and Sun. I took out a cell phone contract for her BUT her boyfriends uses the phone so whenever I try and call during the day he has the phone. The only time she calls me is to borrow money or for me to drop my grandson. My husband and her do not get on as he is strict and feel I am too lenient with her. I suppose I do over protect her because I know my divorce from her father affected her - she was 5. She has never had consistent contact with him and he calls her MAYBE once every few months. I now feel that I want to ban her from going into my house with me not being there...She can go to my moms section (attached to my house) BUT not to my bedrooms, is this being too harsh.What should I do?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

If she does so much at your place ( eating, showering, etc. ) what on earth does she do at her own place ? Surely she doesn't even need a key to your place ? Tell her to return what she stole ( taking without asking IS stealing ) and to stop coming round to your place to plunder it, and that she may only visit when you are there. And cancel that cellphone contract --- from the sound of it she doesn't need one --- who does she need to call ? And her bf doesn't need a phone you paid for, at all. Stop lending her money. and contact Toughlove to get support for pushing this greedy, ungrateful, dishonest slob into growing up and taking responsibility for caring for herself. YOu are and have been far too lenient, and need to become more strict and sensible, for her own good as well as yours and that of the child. I don't believe that your divorce from her father caused her any harm at all --- your guilt over the divorce, leading to spoiling her and being far too lenient, that was what did the damage. Banning a repeat thief from your rooms isn't being too harsh. Calling the police and laying charges wouldn't be too harsh, even if it might not be the best idea at this specific point.
And why isnt the child's father paying maintenance ? The Maintenance court can compel him to pay what he owes.
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