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12 Jan 2005

Death
My mom recently lost het mother and has seemed to have gone into this dark place where we cannot reach her. She and her mother were very close as my mom spent 24/7 with her and was with her when she died. They became each others life line and it is like she has lost a limb never mind the will too go on.

She takes very little interest in life and just exisists from day to day. In feb it will be her one year ann since my grans death and already I can see her becoming edgie and depressed and I have no idea what to do. We have always had a close relationship and even though I miss my gran tons I miss my mom more.

I have tried to talk to her and I talk lots about my gran with her so that she knows she is not forgotten and is still loved. Is this wrong should I rather not mention her. How do I cope through this period as I also have touches of severe depression (had a little one 7 months ago) and how do I help her. She refuses to go and see someone she says how can someone else know her pain and how to deal with it as they are not in her mind and body. This is also ripping my family apart as other members cannot understand how she can grieve so deeply while they take the attitude "forget the dead life is for the living"
Please help as it is getting harder and harder to cope.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Try to find a local grief counsellor, or just a good local counsellor experienced in dealing with grief. In the situation you describe, there can be an Anniversary reaction to the loss of her mom, and stuill unresolved grief, needing to be worked through. here is no value to not mentioning her mom, so you've been doing the right thing. Encourage her to see a counsellor --- the counsellor doesn't need to "know her pain" in a direct way, any more than a surgeon needs to have a painful broken leg in order to help set your own broken leg. But most counsellors have had their own experience of the pain of loss, too. Generally, by a year after, the grief would have started to lift, but this is an average, and for some very normal people it takes longer. MY pal Colin Murray-Parkes wrote one of the best books on grief and bereavement, which should still be available in paperback.
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