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18 Jul 2005

depressed... please give me some advice
its not easy growing up in a broken family (divorced). my wish for the longest time was to be able to have a family, even if it was with a step dad and half-siblings. But that never happened. I wanted to be like my cousins having both a mom and dad with me.

As i grew up my wish changed to wanting my own family, meaning husband and kids. As time went by with relationships not working it became harder to handle.

Being in a the eldest grandchild, it was not easy to see my cousins getting married. With my cousin getting married on sunday it hurts. it makes me feel as if i am a failure. She is the total opposite of me. Everyone says that i am a nice sweet person. I feel that the one thing that i want most is this world is the one thing that i can't get. It makes me feel that is there something wrong with me. That i have done some so terrible to deserve this.

I am not wanting to be rich or famous. I don't want material things. What i do want is to be have my OWN family and to be truly loved by MY family. Is it wrong of me to want this? Is it wrong of me to be emotional about. Does it make me a bad person?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

You are never a failure so long as you concentrate on being a First Rate YOU, rather than worrying about not being a Second Rate someone else. You have done absolutely nothing terrible, and there is nothing nasty wrong with you. You can't waste time insisting that some people who don't love you MUST love you --- maybe they're just not very capable of love. But you will be able to form your own relationships, with pleasant people you choose, and to gradually create friendships and love, and eventually you own loving family.
Good comments all round, and I especially like EYes comment about not making your happiness conditional, and about the importance of not falling in love with an idea, a concept, rather than in discovering ways to enjoy reality itself.
Maybe this isn't the guy with whom you will ultimately have a long and loving relationship, but it could be a relationship in which you will learn more about how to have and develop relationships. And forget about your cousin's marriage which is totally irrelevant to you and your own future happiness. This isn't a race or a competition. And if she's ugly enough to throw it in your face that She now has a husband and you don';t, then she is displaying such an ugly part of herself, that her marriage wil probably come to be threated by it. But leave her to herself, don't make yourself vulnerable to her words or deeds. Ignore your mother and grandparents talking about whether or not you are married --- or tell them kindly to mind their own business and to stop trying to liv their own lives through yours. And as EYes says, don't let them push you into settling for second-best --- you deserve much more than that.


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