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19 Dec 2004

Depression
Well, doc i did not want to post another question to you cause the last advice you gave me was kind of rude. But since i have no one to talk too and i have seen you gave some good advice here i am. I am 23 old guy and i am very depressed. I am in love with a girl who does not like me or speak to me. It is Christmas and i feel very alone. I dont have parents i live with a old school pal. I dont have real friends. When i asked you about the gilr you said i am young and there is many girls out there and i should go out more and enjoy life. I am not very outgoing. I go out now and then but alone. You cannot pick up any friends or girlfriends while you out alone. I hate it. I have the same routine everyday. Go to work get back eat sleep. My boss gave me off this Friday but i was upset cause what must i do at home. I had a very good friend whoma i talked too and i did not feel so alone.(that is the girl a fell in love with whom is not talking to me anymore). I told her that i hate being so alone and that i have suicide thoughts( now that i think of it mayby it is that that she is not speaking to me anymore). But how could that be so wrong. If you have a best friend you tell them everything? I dont have parents i can run to so i runned to her for everything. Doc i really dont want to end up alone one day. This is torture i hate it. Having that girl in my life was keeping me from going over the edge and that is why i fell so uin love with her. I feel that nobody is given a damn about me. And that is a sick feeling. Can you help me please!
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hi Will,
Sorry you thought anything we said here might have felt rude --- it wasn't intended to be. So congratulations on being sensible enough to be persistent. And sorry too, that you're feeling so lonely, at Christmas or otherwise. Clearly, there is no point in allowing yourself to be "in love" with a girl who doesn't even like you. OK, so she's got bad taste, but life's like that. She's not at all likely to change her mind. But love only ever works when it is reciprocal, when it is returned.
Sounds like you are, like many more of us than you might imagine, shy, and not very socially skilled --- YET. This could be greatly helped if you got yourself into work with a counsellor, to develop self-confidence and social skills, and thus be able to have a range of friends, before you embark on seeking a specially close friend. There is no need for you to end up all alone one day, though I understand why you might fear that outcome. It may well be that the girl liked you as a friend, but wasn't seeking anything more right now ; and that she grew anxious about the intendity and neediness of your approach. Though most of us like to be able to help other people, many of us don't like the riskiness of feeling responsibile for the safety of someone else --- the intensity of such a situation would frighten off even many rather nice people. If, through your work with a counsellor, you become more self-confident and less needy, it'll greatly improve your chances of having successful relationships. Otherwise it can feel to the other person as if they're a life-saver at risk of getting themselves strangled by a desperate swimmer in difficulties.
So DO plan, perhaps for early in the new year, to get yourself a psychologist / counsellor of your own, to whom you can explain the full range of these concerns of yours, and work on finding the best and most rapid solutions for you. And meanwhile, as well as then, try getting yourself involved with other people in a low-key way, to get more chances to get comfortable among them, such as checking out whether you can help some charities with their work over the Holiday Season --- groups looking after sick kids, old people, disabled, animals in need, whatever, generally have increased demands over this season, while more of their regular volunteers will be away on leave. This gives you a chance to meet other nice people like yourself, but in a less demanding way, where you are not the social focus of the occasion, and while you and they are focussing on doing something useful together. Also, it can be useful, as a balance to one's own internal misery, to be reminded of the even worse situations which many other people have to put up with --- and how cheerfully and bravely so many of them do just that. And, through yourself giving much more than a damn about more people ( rather than loading all your significant capacity for caring, onto one single person, you may gradually find more and more people who give a damn, and even more, about you.
And do let us know how you get on.
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