I have been depressed since childhood
my life as a child was always one drama after another
my mother gave me no affection -she always shouted and stressed about everything - I was used as a weapon against my father - she always told me how much he didn't want me and thats why she would not let me visit him on weekends(while my 3 older siblings went to him)-I usually felt left out as the youngest , I was in the way , my older brothers would call me names and threaten to kill me or lock me in the bathroom at times - I did tell my mother about this but she just told me that she couldn't help me
I understand my father was a bad man - he drank & was diagnosed with bi-polar(which I only found out recently) he died when I was in standard eight - I never got to go to his funeral because my Mom & brother thought it would be a bad idea
I still have the sunken feeling in my chest that I have always had - I feel lost and rejected in this world
I have seen2 different therapists in the past - but I still feel weighed down with a feeling of not deserving anything - I still feel as if my family ignore me and my mother still sometimes insults me -although she wont admit it
at the age of 31 I am unemployed and although I am studying I still feel lost and confused
I feel as if the pain of the past is never going to leave me - I know all about forgiveness and moving on -but emotionally I cannot seem to move on
some days are OK and some are still bad but mostly I still feel as if I am weighed down
what can I do to free myself of this burden