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01 Apr 2006

depression
it started when i was 9, i would get terrible mood swings, one moment i was on top of the moon, then i was so angry then i was so depressed. i cried almost every night, i wanted to kill myself at least twice a month. im now 22 and i still am like this. i havent told anyone about my problem, i feel ashamed. but people are starting to notice now. i just dont know how much longer i can hang on or take this. its been going on for over 10 years. at first i thought it was my fault, but i know now that it really isnt something i can control, i have no control over my mood swings. im crying more and more now, i cant controll it, i burst into tears in public now too. i have to be constantly busy so that i am not alone with my thoughts. sometimes i want to bang my head again and again so all i feel is pain and i have no thoughts. i often take lots of pain killers, enought to knock me out, just so i am away from my thoughts and i can sleep. i've been doing that for years too. i just have no passion for anything. im only here because i have to be, but that is just not enough anymore. each day i am alive gets worse and worse, i dont want to be here. i want to jump off a very high place and just fall and fall, until i hit the ground and never wake up - its a dream of mine. is it ok to take our own life if we cant be here anymore? because i cant hold on much longer.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Hi nikki,
Well, this isn't something to feel ashamed of, but it would be very wise to identify a good local psychiatrist and see him/her for a thorough assessment of the situation, after which you could discuss treatment options. yes, it isn;t your fault --- I'm pleased you have recognized that. Sounds like you could be really depressed, something which repsonds well to treatment, either with CBT counselling or with selected antidepresants. Pain-killers can create problems of their own, and can be depressing.
And no, its definitely NOT OK to take one's own life, especially when one's misery is curable and can be relieved with the right help --- and you haven't even tried the specialist and the treatments that could help you. Don't give up !
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