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02 Apr 2006

DESPERATELY NEED ADVICE
I've been dating a married man for almost a year now, and I have come to love him more than life itself and I believe that he loves me dearly. After we met and started seeing each other more regularly he told me that he's still married, but they are only together for the kids sake (who are both younger than 5), because they wanted to give their kids a good home they decided not to split up. They live seperate lives (and sleep in seperate beds). What I need advice about is us, we have a awesome relationship, but we argu about his situation on a regular basis. We try to spend as much time together as possible but it's difficult under these circumstances, he has to make excuses about where he's going, or they get invited to functions together and sometimes he just can't get out of the house, which upsets me terribly! He has gone to see a lawyer about getting a divorce but they said it could take up to 3/4 of a year!!! Is that possible? I don't know whether he or she would move out of the house before then (cause they have been living like this for almost 2 years) Should I rather end the relationship and dissapear till everything is over or should I stick around? (although this is so hard on me aswell having to lie to my friends and family about why I can't see him tonight etc etc... cause no one knows he's married!) But then again how do you end a relationship that, besides for the obvious, there is nothing wrong with!?!
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

It is never wise to love anything or anyone "more than life itself" --- without that life, there is no love, anyway. Of course you knew and know that loving a married man is bound to lead to grief, for you, him, and his wife and family. Its hard to tell, when a married man has an affair with you, whether his wife is truly the sham he hsually describes it as, or if that's a line he has found useful in pursuing affairs.
If he's lying about this, then he's probably merely using you, and will never marry you. If he's telling the truth about this, then he ( and perhaps she ) have already decided to continue with their marriage, for whatever reasons, and he is not preparing to marry you, either. Divorces don't necessarily take as long as you've been told ; though if it is one that is hotly contested by the spouse and involving complex financial matters, I suppose it could indeed drag on.
A relationship that is based on lies ( to friends and others ) and hiding, is not one that is likely to prosper. Its disingenuous to call it a "relationship that, besides for the obvious, there is nothing wrong with!?!" --- that's like calling the Iraq mess, a situation that, besides the obvious, is peaceful. Are you not, by so fiercely insisting on THIS relationship, closing yourself off from other possibilities with better chances of happiness ?
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