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24 Feb 2004

Divorce & Children
In my previous posting i wanted to know about finding out that my husband is cheating while we are in the process of reconcialiation.I really found out that there is someone in his life.And when i confrontec him about this,he questioned my motives.He says that i was withch hunting him and he is not going to stay in a relationship where he is policed.He moved out of the house and filled for divorce.The first few day i lied to my kids that he is out of town.But now they want to know why their dads clothes are not in the closet.my son is 5 and a 13 year old daughter.How do i tell them that we are divorcing.I need to tell them soon but i don't know how to begin.I can't stop myself from crying everytime i think about the events that lead to his decision.And how do i explain myself to them that its only going to be the three of us from now on?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Connie,
I'm sure our other readers will have useful suggestions, based on their own experiences.
Your husband's response sounds like the typical response of someone with a guilty conscience, and instead of admitting that he was being unfaithful, he got angry and blamed you for finding out, instead of recognizing his own fault for having done something to be found out.
There's no realistic alternative but to talk to the kids about this, as they have already found out that something has gone wrong. Indeed, when next they have some contact with your husband, HE will surely tell them, but from his point of view, unlikely to be favourable to you, as we've already seen how childishly he reacted.
You would want to say that unfortunately, their father has moved out of the house. That he had been seeing some other lady ( if you are absolutely certain that this is what actually happened ), or that you had been concerned that he might have been seeing someone else, because there were major problems between you, and that he became angry and left. And that he has told you that he wants a divorce.
You would want to explain that a divorce involves a formal separation between you and him, but does not mean that either of you have stopped loving the children, and that it was in no way the children's fault that there have been problems between their parents.
You can say that this makes you very sad, and that's why youn have been crying, but that you will see to it that they stay close with you and that they are always well looked after.
And you need to see a good lawyer to ensure that your rights and those of the children are properly looked after, and, as this apears to be his fault, that you retain custody of the children, and that he pays proper maintenance for them, and proper support for you. It may well be that when the costs, financial and emotional of what he has impulsively demanded, come home to him, he may think of changing his mind.
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