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25 Jul 2005

Divorce, & lies & more lies
My parents were divorced 25 years ago. I was only 3 years old at the time. My parents marriage was an arranged married, there were problems between them. However the cause of the divorce was my mom had an affair.

I was not told that my mom had an affair. My parents and my family lied to me my entire life, they blamed my dad for the divorce. My mom used to tell me that they had me to try to save the marriage. This caused me to feel like a failure. Only last year through the help of my boyfriend did I realise why I felt like a failure.

When I confronted my dad he told me the truth. Anyway I then through professional help accepted what happened.

12 years ago my dad remarried and we lost touch with each other for 8 years of his second marriage. 4 years ago he came into my life again. He said he was sorry for not keeping in touch with me. Thereafter he kept in touch by phoning and visiting me.

I had thought that my step mother didn't want anything to do with me. On Saturday I got a call from my dad, he said that his wife wants to talk to me. When she took the phone, she asked if I know who she is, I said yes, that she is my dad's wife.

She then told me that she didn't know that my dad was previously married and that he had a child. My dad lied to her for 12 years. My dad and his family came to see me yesterday. It was stressfull. My half-siblings are much younger than I am. The oldest is 11 and youngest is 6. I am the only child for my mom.

I know that the lies my dad spoke is between him and his wife to sort out. However I feel hurt, that I have been robbed of the bond that I could have had with my siblings. They see me as a stranger. It hurts to see the close bond that they have with each other. I don't know how to handle this, as my step mother made it clear that there would not be enough time for us to get together often. I don't know how to not feel hurt everytime I see my siblings. I want to be accepted by them as their older sister. I want to be able to hug and kiss them. I want to be able to be there for them when they need help & support.

Even though I want all of this, it might not be possible. How do I accept this??
Answer 402 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Its always so sad when people have a child hoping that this will somehow mend a broken mariage --- kids are people, not superglue. And the risk, as you illustrate, is that a child can come to feel that he or she failed, when it was only the parents who actually failed to make a go of it together.
it is now quite possible for you to develop the sort of relationship you want with your dad's wife and your half-sibs, but it will obviously take time, as sound relationships are not instant. Maybe your dad didn't tell lies with a wish to be malicious or to hurt you or anyone else, but in a mistaken belief that he might be avoiding hurt for you.
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