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04 Feb 2004

DO I HAVE REASON TO BE JELOUS?
Hi doc.
I met my boyfriend a year ago while he was involved with another girl but they were having problems. They broke up eventually 2 months ago and my boyfriend tells me that he loves me very much and he wants to be with me. This other girl took the breakup very hard and she still keeps on phoning my boyfriend telling him about the depression she is going through without him in her life. I even heard her telling him that she finds it difficult to leave without him.

The problem now is that my boyfriend also calls this girl because he says he feels guilty about hurting her. He says he is trying to make her understand that there can be nothing between them. But the girl gets very furious when my boyfriend tells her that I am with him and he wants to be with me. She cries and swear making him to feel more guilty. Do you think he should keep on calling her? I am getting insecure and jelous everytime the girl calls, do you think I have a reason to feel this way? These people have a history, they've been together fo 2 years but the girl has a bad attitude & they were fighting a lot that's why they broke up.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

SV, it is clealy this girls tactic to do all she can to make him feel guilty, and to persuade him of the lie that he must be responsible for how she chooses to feel about the situation. It's an age-old ploy, and never works as desired --- you can force an Ex to return by piling up the guilt-trip, but that doesn't produce a loving and satisfying relationship, any more than it would be to keep him with you by chaining him to the furniture.
But Polly is probably right, that it's wise to be cautious. Your feelings, and his, and even hers, are understandable. Make it clear to him that you understand that he's in a tough situation, ; that you can't help feeling jealous when she keeps calling and claiming his attention, but that you'll try to support him through this phase ; and that she seems to be trying to flare up his feelings of guilt so as to get what she wants, and that you don't think he needs to accept the invitation to feel guilty.
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