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13 Dec 2005

Eating disorder
I've always seen myself as the girl who could tell the tale of this fairytale ending of a recovery, of how strong I was to pull myself out of the diseases claws, but it just never seems to happens.

In the last 2 years, my record is 2 days of no vomitting, yet I even restricted, its a physical need to vomit or not eat..and I cry when I cant and it consumes my thoughts, I cannot be happy if I cant keep my weight down.Since the middle of last year Ive been to lots of different counsellors, psychiatrist and psychologists and tried medication... yet it cant help me. Being on medication for more that a year, I stopped it myself, it was like a placebo, doing nothing. It is not as if I have no motivation, sometimes I am so headstrong and say just for today Ill be normal and sometimes Ive had many ephinys to get well, but its all so short once I realise the physicle need for my sickness takes over all will power and over the readiness factor I think I have obtained. Especially I think going away to Rhodes university next year I would dream of a new start, to break free of my illness which consumes everything, yet that was my dream for matric too... and ditto, it never seems to be working. I'm over the stage where I want the illness, I dont see myself as fat or wouldnt mind putting on a little more weight, I just cant seem to, its impossible to let myself, Ive been caught by this illness worse than I thougt. What is wrong.

I've just finished matric yet I've only known a life like this, and everyone knows me as the strongest girl, thats why I've never doubted my recovery, yet somehow it just never seems to happen, because my weight has finally stabalised and Im coping and managing at this low weight,about 50kg and Im quite tall.. my life is continuing as normal...becasue I only vomit so I have even strength to cope with daily tasks now...Whats so wrong then?

I dont know, I know whats wrong but I cant carry the action through. Actions speak louder than words, but words are for losers, like me... only action shows the strength. Please advice me, Im beyond getting help and Im so tired of this life, its not freedom, its not really a life...
Answer 432 views

01 Jan 0001

me, you can still beat this. There's an important word conspicuously missing from your mesage : "YET". YOu haven't foudn the right therapist YET, and the treatments haven't worked YET. And you haven't YET become the girl who beat this thing. You're not beyond getting help. And with a proper eating disorders expert, and CBT-type counselling to work aggresively on the ideas that have been driving this provess, you CAN change this and get bbetter. Once you start to be able to apply the intelligence and strengths you are now using to remain disordered, not eating, and vomiting ; to the process of recovery, you certainly can achieve it.
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