Ask an expert

28 Jul 2008

Hi CS,

I hope you are well &  that life has been good to you, and genuinely, that you have found some sort of respite from all the major events that have been going on in your life.

BTW - last week I read a book called ' 90 Minutes in Heaven'  about a man that clinically dies for 90 mins and then returns to face horrific car accident injuries. I though of you a lot whilst reading it - was also quite inspiring (despite the author' s differing life to mine) the things that people can pull through, and, the strange instances in which people can cling to or form some sort of meaning (like Frankel too).

Apologies if this turns into a lengthy one, will try to be brief. My bf moved out on Wednesday (due to " pressure from all sides" ). We have both been under horrendous pressure with work &  a biking accident that left him injured, and the fact that we moved in together 3 mnths ago after doing long distance for 6 mnths, although seeing each other every weekend.

I met with him on Saturday and asked him to be sure that I was the ' pressure'  in his life he wanted to throw away. He still maintained that he loved me, but ' could not cope' . I took it that it was over. He phoned yesterday saying he had made a big mistae, that we couldn' t throw what we have away &  that it has largely been circumstances of the past 3 mnths that have caused him wanting to split.

I admit things have not been a picnic btn us the last mnths. But, especially as we were fine before all this bad luck hit, and the fact that we had got a house together was enough for me try. Now I feel that I cannot really trust him. What if we get married &  have children &  something stressful happens and he just skips off?

Also, I do love him, but lately I feel as if his sulking & immature behavious is making me think that he is weak person. I need someone strong because I am a strong person ( not perfect, but strong).

I have asked for this week to think, and we will get together over the weekend to discuss. My thoughts at the moment are: although I have my doubts, I am not 100% sure that I want this to be over. That, coupled with the fact that we are supposed to be living together (which I do not take lightly) is enough for me to give it my all again despite my doubts about his reliability and extreme current doubts as to him ' being the one' .

' being the one'  ... is there such a thing or do you choose to make a person ' the one' ????

Eish, I can give sound relationship advice to others, but for myself, I find it all VERY confusing &  think I am terrible at it!

Would welcome any thoughts you or Readers have...

Thanks CS
Answer 454 views

01 Jan 0001

Hmm. If life started treating me well, I'd get the feeling that I'd somehow opened a package really addressed to someone else !
Your story of life Chez Garfield reminded me of research I once read about how when a colony of white mice were getting on well together, and external stresses were applied to all of them, they started fighting amongst themselves. As though, not being able to strike back at the cause of the stress, they turned on the nearest individuals as target for their wrath or blame. Wouldn't it be worth seeking some relationship counselling together so as to be better able, singly and jointly, to handle whatever stresses may arrive in the future ?
I don't think someone arrives in your life, ready packaged as "the one" rather than entering your life sharing some characteristivcs you vale, and becomes someone significant in interaction with you. I don't believe in SoulMates.
Relationships are always much easier to handle in the abstract than in grisly reality ...
Perpetual adoration is something for cherubim to do, not mere mortals. Consistent liking, with quantities of love ( as a longer-lasting development from In Love ) passion and endurance, is more realistic.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
Have you entered our Health of the Nation survey?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
33% - 9380 votes
67% - 19432 votes