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18 Jul 2006
Hi. I am about to confess something that is shocking, but maybe many others are in the same boat.I have been married 35 years and although i was not that young when i married I believe I was immature because dependent and lacking confidence, so as I matured gradually over the years I grew away from my husband and had less liking for him, (as I realised how domineering he is and how his actual outlook on life differs from mine- although I knew he was different from the beginning he actually pretended then, that he didn't like the values he'd grown up wth, just to impress me!) . He likes me less too- he didn't appreciate the stronger me that emerged. I do think that he still loves me- he was very very upset when I was briefly in a possible life-threatening situation whereas when he was in such a situation, all I thought of was how freely I would live my life when he wasn't around. He also makes spiteful comments against me from time to time. I ignore them. Anyway as we are both down-to-earth, practical people and devoted to our now grown children, divorce was not a consideration. Our sex life is dead and I don't care. I am no longer attracted to him. I wouldn't even care if he had an affair as long as he still fulfilled his other obligations as husband and father. We function pretty peacefully in our life together- we have pets that we both love dearly as well as the kids. Our interests are not similar but he does his thing with friends or sons while I pretty much don't have the energy to do much, but follow my interests by reading about them and pursuing what I can alone at home. I don't have much enthusiasm but I am pretty contented. I know that i keep a wall up between him and me. He doesn't know my deepest feelings, hopes and fears. I share those with my pets! and to a certain extent with my children. I express myself more freely with someone I've just met than with my husband. When I read a book or see a film or news item about a heartwarming or sad situation, I cry my eyes out. My family are amused- they pass the tissues in good time.They don't know how deeply I am affected- it really shakes me to the core and exhausts me. On the other hand it's a good feeling-sort of cleansing. I suspect that I am emotionally starved but i don't really know what to do about it.
Isn't it really one of the main problems about getting married or settled in a long0-term relationship too young, that the younger partner is still maturing, and may simply grow into someone with very different wants and needs than they had at the beginning ? COuld you persuade him to join you in mariage counselling, to explore what could be usefully modified within this relationship ?
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