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30 Jun 2005

family problems
hi there

just a question... we are 4 kids and a mom, all very diffrent but ok
now there is a fight with mom and one of the sisters and it's kind of influencing everyone

i have distance myself from this sister and hubby because we have very diffrent ideas about life and i feel why invest emotional energy into a relasionship that is not benificial to me - am i selfish ?

mom and her has issues going back years and there was a time they had a " good relasionship " kind of - i was upset at the time but i new it will never last - now it didn't - the thing is i believe you should respect your parents no matter what - mom is a strong woman and i admire her and even if we have prpblems we still have mutual respect for each other and we spend a lot of time together since we're both single -

my sister is very insensitive and says things that hurts, she never said anyhting to me but she does to my mom and sister in law and that just irks me - she can hurt wwho she wants but we must always be careful not to offend her and hubby...

one other thing that is upsetting is that they make problems but it never gets sorted out - they just avoid everyone for a while and then pitch up one day ( normally when they need something) as if nothing has happened - now this results is an artificial relaionship, one i don't have the energy to play ....

now they bought a new house and i can understand they are happy but that will not make me like them more or less that i do know... they values in life is all about money and they are very negative, they make me tired

now i know mom is hurting although she will never admit it and my brother wants all of us to be one happy family and is now "forcing " mom to be the leased and make peace, his intentians are good but why push mom do do somthig she doesn't want to, or me for that matter ... i don't want to be freinds with them, i want to vivsit people i have somethig in common with, i want to invest in relasionship where i can give and receive something of value, i have ended a lot of relasionships since my divorce , mostly because i don't have time for shit, as a single mom i don't have time to play games just to keep others happy...

am i selfish or jealous or angry or just protective over those i care about eg mom in this case

i want to be balance but maybe i'm not - maybe i'm selfish in not wanting to give if i can't receive back.. i don't want ot be like that but then again why visit to gether is you don't even like each other never mind respect ... just becuase we share the same blood ?

nina



Answer 365 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

It's not selfish to decide not to invest emotionally in a relationship that would not make good ude of such an investment. And youmay respect people without necessarily loving them. And it's fair to avoid negative people who make you feel miserable, and who tend to only see you when they want something.
I never forget the kid who defined family as "People who come to dinner, but they aren't friends of yours".
I doubt that you'e being selfish in not wanting to give where you wont receive back, but it seems more likely that you don't want to give to someone who won't appreciate anything, and who always takes and never gives. That's fair, too.
That they're family isn't the important thing --- you're not obliged to go the extra mile with people who never go the extra metre for anyone else.
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