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22 Jul 2008

Feeling depressed, maybe i deserve it.
Hi,<br>I was in a relationship for 2 years and then he committed suicide last year. That’ s when it all went wrong. <br>Our relationship started getting sour mainly because he had another child by someone else, the trust was never there for him although he tried to gain his trust in me. He was a “ natural charmer”  when it came to girls, so I found it very difficult to trust him. But then I realized that he was becoming obsessive and very possessive. I should have known there and then that I was supposed to leave but I didn’ t because I still loved him.
Then I found out he was cheating on me and I broke up with him but on the very same day, but he tried committing suicide which led him to a mental ward in hospital. After that I felt trapped in the relationship, like there was no way out. I was scared that if I left him he would do it again, and what if this time it actually worked.

As ashamed as I am to say it, the last few months of my relationship with him were the worst. I felt locked in a prison cell. There would be times when I would cry when he was making love to me or kissing me because I didn’ t want to be in that relationship anymore, but I would just make sure he never saw me crying.

I then met someone (a friend though), and he became very understanding and he seemed to be the only person that could understand my situation. My boyfriend never liked the idea and he thought that I was cheating on him. I tried leaving him but failed as he kept attempting suicide. I knew there and then that there was no way out of that relationship. I prayed day and night for God to help me get out and help him be strong. Eventually he pulled the last straw when he called my friend accusing him of having an affair with me, I was angry and felt he had no right. On that day we had a huge fight and we broke up, part of me was relieved but part of me was still hurting from the break up. He told me to go on with my life and pretend he never existed. On that very same day I tried to call him so that we can talk like normal grownups about the break up, only to see him hanging from an electric cable in his garage. Gone.

It was hell after that, I never thought I’ d survive but I did. I moved away from my home to start a life for myself somewhere else, as the suicide made a lot of people resent me. Everyone in my community blamed me, I had to leave. Although it’ s been over a year I still feel like I’ ll never live a normal life anymore, although I’ m engaged to be married to a very wonderful man. Every bad thing that happens to me I feel like I deserve it. Is it ever gonna end? Am I ever gonna live a normal life and move past what happened in my past?

Is it really my fault?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Absolutely definitely it is NOT your fault.
Don't blame yourself for his suicide, which was something he chose to do ; and it was him who chose to cheat and to create highly complex relationship problems. It was fair enough for you to decide to break up with him on discovering about his cheating, and his suicide attempt after that was manipulative and unfair. One should not threaten or attempt suicide in order to manipulate other people. People who create chaos and hurt amongst others can reap the whirlwind they began. That sort of suicide is an act of aggression against others, like you, and not only against the person himself. If your community blamed you, then they were extremely foolish to do so.
But DO see a good local counsellor / therapist to deal with the damage this selfish man caused to you, and to prepare yourself to get beyond this and lead a normal and happier life
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