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29 Jan 2013

Feeling sad and alone !
Feeling sad and lonely. Please advise on how I could deal with this situation.Some background : Mom and dad got married very young, not of same culture, he use to abuse her infront of me and my sister, at times I thought he’ d kill her, (im the eldest) I can remember al the burses and very bad, ugly fights. He use to be very strict and use to grab us by the ears or hair or hit us through our faces. They got divorced when I was 5 years old. Mom died when I was 13, had to move to my dad, hardly new him because he never used to make the effort in the past, had no choice but to go and stay by him according to the court. He re-married, always worked so he was never emotionally there for us and my step mom at the time was 21years old, can you just imagine? So with that said she was also not there of us. He would always be there for my step mom, I never use to complain or say anything because of his temper but the day I did, he chased me out of the house at the age of 16, I had no were to go so I stayed. In matric his wife cheated on him so they got divorced, myself and my sister was there for him and during this time he changed completely, he loved us, made time for us, and I’ ve started forgiving him. After a year he then met a new girl and it seems like I’ ve become nothing again. I only have my sister and my dad, but with him not being there for me or making any effort I feel alone and sad. When I invite him to our home he says he will come but then never does! Never phoned or message just to say hi, or how you doing. I want him actively in our lives and have spoken to him about my feelings but it seems he only listens for 5 minutes. He always break his promises and im tired of feeling not good enough, not loved. Im sure he loves and care for us but its not comeing across as such. Must I just exclude him from our lifes. Ive said im done with him and do not expect anything from him and sometimes im feeling great but other times it still gets to me. How should I deal with this matter ? im big on family and this is so hard for me to deal with!
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Sorry to hear of the sad aspects of your life so far, including a selfish and cruel, abusive father. But, from your desiption, it sounds as though he may indeed have begun to change, perhaps when he realized how good you had been to him, and that there was nobody else who had remain available for him. But then as soon as he found a new young woman foolish enough to become his partner, he stopped appreciating you and moved away again, emotionally.
Over-all, it sounds as though you are, very understandably, expecting far more from him than he can provide, more than he has provided for anyone else, at any time in his life. SO long as you keep looking to him for what he can't do, and, apparently, not developing your life in the direction of forming relationships with other people who COULD provide the affection and support you well deserve, you will automatically be disappointed.
It is not in the least that YOU are not good enough ( though I see this is how you feel ) but that HE is not good enough, never was and never will be. Its as though you are very fond of music, and expect a fish to sing. It won't, but there are some other really good singers around.
See a counsellor, if possible to work towards forming more realistic expectations. Maybe the lack of any good close family has made you all the more "big on family " - and you can form your own family of friends and relationships, but you won't get what you dream of, from him. He probably never had it himself, and never understood it, and so never understood what was bothering you. Stop giving him so much power over you, and take that power back to yourself
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