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10 Mar 2004

fertility problem
Hiya Doc,
Please help me... hubby and I tried for a baby for a year before discovering that I don't ovulate. I'm now on fertility drugs to rectify the problem, but in the mean time, hubby has told me that he doesn't really want kids! While he's happy to live out his life as a husband (not a father and husband), I have always wanted children. We discussed having kids before we got married (3 yrs ago) and we both decided we wanted 2 kids. Now- to be dead honest with you; I don't think I would have married him if I'd have known he didn't want kids. I love him with all my heart and I truly believe he is my soul mate.
As things are right now, however, he's just saying he'd like more time before we have kids (he has changed his story of never wanting kids). Unfortunately this isn't an option- I'm 28, he's 33, and we're classified as infertile so time is not on our side. I had always assumed, too, that if we couldn't have our own, we'd adopt- but he's completely against adoption and I'm mortified! I feel like I've got a raw deal- this is not what I signed up for.
I wish I had more support during this time- its not easy taking all these drugs, and it is hard being the one who's "abnormal" . I fear hubby will resent our baby if we ever manage to conceive.
Perhaps I am just being irrational. I love this man with all my heart.
Guess I'm just ranting, not asking for advice.
Answer 323 views

01 Jan 0001

Dear helen,
Well, at least you're NOT "being irrational". Rant away, you;re welcome to do so, but here are some thoughts.
Yes, of course you feel cheated, doubly. Nature has been unkind in not providing you with the ready fertility we all assume we have ; and your husband IF he previously said he wanted a couple of kids, is being unfair in having either misled you then, or having changed his mind more recently.
If the infertility problem lies mainly or fully in your body, that's not your fauly ( you certainly didn't choose to have it that way ) so don't let yourself feel guilty --- guilt ought to be based on something bad you did deliberately, not on something unfortunate for you, which happened by accident.
He does sound like quite a nice bloke who may at least be being more honest with you than many husbands who truly don't want children, but never say so, and assume that bringing up the kids is going to be purely up to their wife.
Though it's not helpful to you at this stage, your story is a reminder to us that marriage ought to come only after really in-depth and sincere, frank and truthful discussions between the couple, clarifying exactly where they stand on this issue and others like it.
As fertility treatments generally involve manipulating your hormones, that is rarely something which enhances one's state of mind and emotional stability. Personally, at the prices they charge, I think all clinics and specialists who provide such fertility treatments ought to include, mandatorily, a counsellor to help you work through the emotional issues which arise. Seeing a counsellor may help not only to sort out some of these issues, but, if that can be achieved, could even improve fertility and the chance of conception, which is often impaired by stress.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
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