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11 Nov 2004

Friend making fun of my husband
This is my story : we got married about a year & half ago.My husband only has matric , dropped out of varsity when his dad passed away & he had to get a job.His 3 close friends studied further( one is an MBA graduate, one an actuary and one an accountant). He's not earning a lot of money & that does not bother me. I was fortunate enough to study & finish my Doctorate.I earn a good salary , 3 times what he earns.So when we got married he was then able to further his studies,he's now studying part time (1st year and is very determined)

My hubby is very short ( not a dwarf !!) he's shorter than an average guy.eg.whenever he buys a new pair of pants, it must first go to the tailor to be cut before he can wear it.

he's been very conscious of his length and he told me that as a child he dreamt of getting a job and doing surgery to increase his length.He even did research on that. He has a low self esteem due to his height. When I was a child I dreamt of getting married to a tall guy. but when I met him ,size did;nt matter. It was the size of his heart that mattered. he's the best husband I could ever ask for , caring , considerate, warm , friendly and very open.I always told him of how much I appreciated him for who he is. I wanted to stop him from being pre-occupied with his height. I just love him and would'nt change one thing about him. I'm taller than him , so when i wear high heeled shoes I become even taller and he feels uncomfortable. I love high heeled shoes but I've opted for medium sized one for his sake and self esteem.

What bothers me are his friends. They run him down in front of me. They dont take him seriously always joke about him and make fun of him. I'm trying to boost his confidence & yet they are drawing him down. They would make statements like " dont get too technical coz Chris might not understand that ' or " we cant talk about stock markets we have an undergrad in the house ( refering tomy husband). They would also make fun of his height .Sometimes they'll ask me " where's your little husband?" they know me by now I blow a gasket once they start talking about my husband like that. What bothers me is that when they make fun of him he'd laugh and pretend as if there's nothing ( ie men's joke kind of thing) But once we are alone he'll tell me that it bothers him when they talk to him like that . Why does he not confront him ? He tells me that the will intensify if he reacts like that.

These "friends" I dont even know if I should call them friends are well educated proffesional people but they behave like that . They probably know that I earn more than he does, so we bought a nice expensive car which he drives. He met them driving the car and he told me that one of friends commented and said " Chris It's a good thing that u married Eve otherwise you would still be using public transport. That was the last straw, I dont have the slightest doubt in my mind that he loves me and I love him. He even suggested that we get married out of community of property when we got married bcoz he felt that he had nothing and I had accumulated quite a lot so it wont be fair on me. I wanted to share everything with my husband and I insisted that we get married in comm. As I mentioned earlier he's got a good heart . He'll tell me that he's forgiven them and he'll invite them over again at our house. He cannot hold a grudge , he hates conflict and he is too forgiving. He brushes their comments aside but they are huring him inside. he told me one day that " Eve, I'm still doig my first year at this age, I'm not going to get discouraged , I'll show them one day that I'm capable of getting to where they are now even if i had obstacles in my life " That was moving ! He tells me that he looks up to them , they've done well in life and he will get there no matter what . I just hate the idea of him looking up to them being the sick bastards that they are. My hubby wont even let me use harsh words when I talk about them . I love him and respect him , in my house, who brings in more money has never been an issue. Who is educated more than whom has never been an issue, he has always encouraged me throughout. While finiahing my doctorate he'd do all the house chores. he would even sit with me through out the night while I'm working giving me " moral support" that's how he used to call it . I'm trying hard,he's trying hard but he does not want to let go of these bad influenced in his life. What do I do ?
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Firstly, Even, congratulations on having such a big man as your husband --- big in guts, heart, and quality. And commiserations for having these cheap and nasty hangers on called "friends", as nothing you describe makes them sound in the least like friends. I hear of nothing they actually achieved other than what their richer background was able to buy for them. And while rich in money, they're obviously very deeply impoverished in soul, class, and sense.
And he's not only going to exceed these guys, in everything that really counts most, he has already exceeded them. Maybe they stay around because his politeness continues to alllow tem to act crassly and to feel superior --- whuch tells us how pathetically low their inner self-esteem, must be.
I don't suppose he'd like the idea of counselling, to work through the many issues raised in your message, though this could be profitable for him. It's a shame that he should feel he ought to look up to these inferiors, because he has nothing he could learn from them, and so much to teach them which they would be incapable of learning. But old habits die hard, and maybe he grew up used to this group hanging around together. And there is an element of jealousy there, as what he has, they couldn't buy.
Rather than confront head on the obvious value to you both of him abandoning these useless "friends" why not workk at it aslant, and rather try to encourage forming new and different friends as well as them ?

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