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04 Mar 2004

Friend suffering in a painfull way
I have a friend - who is as close to me as the blood running through my veins. He is a truly wonderful and remarkable human being, always going out of his way to make others happy, solving other peoples problems and always helping in any way possible, these are just one of the reasons why many people including me love him so much.
Problem is - his baby was still born at full term, at the hospital she was placed in a "bucket" he is so torn up about the death of the child, and angry at the way he saw the baby, though In his mind he remembers the baby as beautiful he cant get that image out of his mind.
He has never spoken to anyone about this before - Absalutely no one - not even his mother knows how he is hurting - neither did I until he finally cracked and told me, It was so traumatic and emotional , the way he described everything one can see that he is totally torn up inside, he and the mother of the child are not together anymore, he never loved her but did everything and anything she wanted or needed regarding the baby, took care of her literally, was at every doctors appointment, made sure she ate properly I mean everything, the baby had enough of anything it would have needed for at least two to three years to come, that is how much he truly loved his baby. It has been nearly seven months since the baby died, I do not know what to say or do - I want to be there for him, we cried so much when he was explaining al this, I really felt his pain and wish I could make this better or at least alleviate it a bit. What do I do?
He cannot get over his loss, refuses to go to councilling saying a stranger will never understand how he feels. As I said councilling is out of the question, pls help. He is suffering in silence and it is killing him inside.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

You're an excellent friend, and he sounds like a splendid guy. It's appalling that the hospital was so callous and careless in dealing with the baby and with him. Counselling IS what he needs, beyond doubt, as he will eventually need to recognize. A counsellor is not a stranger --- he/she is someone with proper training and experience, who has learned about such problems through working with others with similar griefs, and can be helpful. They can understand, and can help. let him take time. And as suggested, it can be helpful for him to memorialize he child that he lost --- to devise, maybe with you, some form of remembrance, if a burial was not practical, then maybe plant a flowerbush in the garden in the baby's memory. In general, to have an opportunity to express his love and caring, and to let go, and then move on. A grief counsellor would be ideal.
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