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16 Aug 2007

(Sorry!very long!!! feel free to ignore, I just really needed to vent)

Okay I don’t know where to start, and just by starting typing this I'm suddenly crying, no I don't have depression (been there so I would know if I did) I'm actually a very positive happy person but at the moment I just feel so completely ( best word to explain it is afrikaans: "gatvol"!) but all problems seem insignificant against the people next to me. I'm not one that talks about it when I'm upset, never, I never have and don't think I ever will especially the people closest to me (and I know how wrong that is, but that’s who I am). I hate it if people see I'm vulnerable or can't handle anything because I'm an independant strong and smart woman and don't want people to see me otherwise.

the problem is (one of them) I'm just not coping with my studies anymore (engineering) it's not that it's difficult at all it's just I can't get to get myself to work anymore because they give so much work in so little time and then we have to study for tests aswell I just don't get time for everything because I'm a social person too and my friends and family can always count on me, my twin sister is also taking a HUGE amount of my time, she just broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years so she leans on me for everything, smsing/emailing/phoning constantly, and offcourse the bad and good fall on me because we understand each other so she can yell at me one moment and be the nicest in the next moment. I don't mind but she's getting too bad! I have to go do everything with her, even shopping for the mundanest things! (but I've set boundaries now, I can't go out with her just to shop etc everyday, don't have time, but even just answering all her mails and stuff is exhausting!she smses at least 10 times every hour) and even making things worse this puts stress on my relationship because when my boyfriend is with me, my sister, like recently, keeps interrupting by calling and asking for something or just needing me to listen and because I care about her I stress about her too and obviously my boyfriend isn't getting all my attention anymore....I'm rambling now, first just have to say the people around me mean the world to me so I always try and know what everyone needs so I'm always ready with what they need before they ask, I love cheering the ones I love up and making the hardships a bit better or just even in good times be there for them. Now my sister is needing more of my attention, my boyfriend is obviously getting less (not that it's inadequate at all! but he's used to getting my full attention all the time, which is imposibble at the momment. But which I try to give him at least when we’re spending time , but I’m used to seeing him more often, so I miss him, but now we fight a lot when we actually do see each other and it’s always related to my sister.

The other thing is, you should probably know I’ve had annorexia (as you know a controlling problem, so yes I like to be in control, with that depression) so my looks in some way is still important to me, but not in a bad way, I make sure I take care of myself etc. and I make sure I never go over the top again, I won’t ever let my just something as my looks make me miserable again, so much unnecesary anxiety and fear.

My sister and I (and I’ll never say this usually, but since you don’t know me, it won’t be bragging – which I hate, but simple explaining my sitsuation) are both beautiful girls, but at the moment my sister is really radiant, guys fall over their feet for her and constantly tell me how hot my sister is, I know it shouldn’t bother me and that looks don’t make you happy, and it usely doesn’t but in the rare occasion I would just like to feel so beautiful too, see we’re identical twins, but we colour our hair differently and our style are a bit different, my cheeks have always been a bit fuller (not because I’m fatter but because it’s the shape of my face, was even like that when I weighed 35kg – I’m 1.73m tall) so I’ve always been the one with the fat face (how people told us apart) and responsible one, my sister always the fun and beautiful one, I’m the party pooper. But I can’t just throw caution to the wind! I found myself again in university when my sister got her boyfriend, because I was kind of free, could party alone, so didn’t need to look after her constantly her boyfriend did, now she comes with us to all my parties because she wants to cheer up, and I can’t relax!!because she doesn’t know when to stop, so I can’t even let go a bit because I have to look after her.I’ve tried not caring, but she’s so utterly irresponsible! Because she gets drunk everytime, then wants to drive, so I have to stop her (after I had to tell all the guys falling over her no I have to take her home now, so I’m a party pooper and then I’m a terrible sister (so says my sister) because I think my sister that can’t even stand on her own can’t drive. The next day I hear it how bad I am and how dare I think she’ll get drunk..etc..etc I can’t just leave her….sorry that’s not what I wanted to talk about…back to looks. I just want to be seen as my own person, beautiful in my own right, not always measured by my sisters standards, “oh she’s nice looking but not as much as her sister…wow!!!”. The worse is she complains at me because she’s not good looking enough!!! And I have to constantly reassure her that her hair, nails, bum…whatever looks fine! I can’t do it anymore, she’s just too much! But I love her and want to help her but I’m at my end, I don’t know how anymore, especially because I’m giving my all and she’s not taking me into consideration at all. It’s all about her, what can people do for her, how can she benefit. But she’s my sister so I can’t abandon her. There is so much issues here I can’t explain them all

With the studies, I really want something behind my name, because I will regret it someday if I don’t, it’s my way of giving myself something, having proof of what I can do, I’ve got a high IQ (155) so don’t want to just waste it, want to show something for it. But I just can’t see myself studying anymore, I’m really so tired and stressed up because I’m falling behind on projects because I don’t always get time to finish them etc. I didn’t fail one subject in my first 3 years but think I’m starting now. I just don’t want to study anymore (the feeling doesn’t go with my plans in my head) I know okay now you have to work because you want this, but I can just not get myself to sit down and do it no matter how good my reasons are for doing so

I really love my boyfriend, his great, and understands me completely, I have no reason not to talk to him about this, so don’t think I’ve got a bad boyriend, he’s really the one person I really look forward to seeing. I’ve got the best parents also, always there for me, but can not talk to them either or to my friends, I want them to see me as who I really am, and I can’t talk to a shrink, tried it before but like now, the unhappy times is just a glitch, tomorrow I’ll feel better again because I know in the end I’m happy with who I am, if I’m plain looking it’s fine, looks have never made me happy and that’s not what’s going to make me happy, I’ll finish my course in the end but now, I’m just tired. Really tired and I wish I could stop for a year and just travel and relax and get energy again to feel like okay, now I can finish this. But I don’t want to postpone my studies for a year because I want to get married (won’t if I’m not finished studying yet) and It’ll just be worse to have to study after a year of doing nothing. And to be honest will I be happy just doing nothing? No. Sorry for all my rambling, don’t think I’m making sense anyways, just helps “talking” just needed to vent somewhere . annonomous, so I am strong, and pressure can’t get me down. I’ll always hold. I’m me and proud of it, I don’t want to become dependant on some one else for my happiness, it’s only me that can achieve it, and tomorrow I will be again…why do I have the right to be so down, if the people around me sit with so much more problems, how can I tell them then, hello I’m not coping and I have even less worries than you?...:’( :’( please help me, I don’t know how, but please. Just someone understanding is fine !

I know the answers to all my troubles, don’t care what people think about you, put even more boundaries against your sister, because you do need to look after yourself aswell, but still be there for her for the NB stuff . and everyone struggles at university, you’ll just get through it eventually…Yip I know all the reasons and answers to how I’m feeling, but that doesn’t make me feel better
Answer 629 views

01 Jan 0001

I'm sorry but I would not allow ANYBODY under ANY circumstances to email me 10 times an hour --- that's encouraging them to be helpless. You must indeed place more boundaries for your sister --- and ask her to be less selfish and more considerate of your own problems. And this is not being selfish --- you can't keep giving it away unless you insist on bein able to replenish your supplies
And we have such a massive naional need for more woman engineers ....
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