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31 Jul 2008

He doesnt believe me (A BIT LONG)
I was married for 6 years and with my ex-husband for 11 in total. I got married young at 21 and he was 25. We decided from the word go that we wanted to have kids and I was ready to be a young mom growing with her kids, it was always my dream to have 4 daughters. About 6 months into the marriage we started actively trying for a baby and everytime the test would come out negative. I was sent for further testing and it was found that I was suffering from a hormonal problem, which was not uncommon - I understand that 10% of woman at childbearing age suffers from this problem. Since then and 5 years thereafter I was in and out of gynaes for operations, I was on fertility treatment etc. Eventually a fertility specialist told me that I had a 10% chance of having a baby, imagine at 26 I am told this. My world came crashing down on me and so did my marriage. So in 2004 I filed for divorce because my husband was blaming me for not trying hard enough to have a baby and that I was lying about everything that the doctor said - he was never interested in going to the doctor with me. At the beginning of 2005 I met a guy at work, and he made it clear from the word go that he wanted a relationship with him but I told him that I was going through a divorce and that it wouldnt be fair to either of us to start a relationship. We lost contact for a couple of months. and during this time my divorce was finalised and I overcame my depressive state, lost 20kg and had a network of friends thanks to joining the gym. I was finally stable and really at a good place in my life. Then one day at the gym they very same guy walked into each other and started chatting. At this point I was divorced for a couple of months. We started dating but both decided that we needed to take things slow as he had just lost his wife of 4 months a year earlier. We eventually did end up getting intimate. I made it clear that we wont be intimate without using condoms which he agreed to and I was also on the pill. I remember at one stage we realised the condom broke but was more concerned about STI than pregnancy because I was told that I couldnt have kids and I was also on the pill. 6 weeks later I find out that I am 6 weeks pregnant. I told him immediately and made it clear that I would never abort and that he had a choice to stay or leave and all I wanted was emotional support. Two years down the line we have broken up (he cheated on me and chose the other woman) but we have a beautiful daughter, He was present at her birth and the gynaecologist even told him that I daughter was a miracle child and that I would never be able to have kids otherwise i could die, the baby could die or even both of us. I have given up having another child as the one God blessed me with is more than enough. The break up wasnt a good one, and he does see his child. We still have many many arguments because I believe we still have unfinished business but he made his choice and I cannot change his mind. What hurts me is that whenever we argue he brings up the fact that I lied about having a child and that he never saw the proof from doctors. He has seen the scars on my body and also the doctors explanation, but he insists that I was lying. This hurts me because all I ever wanted was a child. Now my ex-boyfriend tells me that I lied about being able to have a child and my ex-husband says that I was cheating on him and this the reason for our divorce (i dont believe in cheating and will never do it). I get so angry that I retaliate and tell my ex-boyfriend that I was sleeping around and that i dont know who the father of my child is and that I just chose him as an easy target, but in reality my daughter looks exactly like him. How do I get rid of all this negativity around me. I dont ask anybody anything. I even told him that if he doesnt want the child thats fine because she is my little gift from God and I would move the heavens and earth to give her a good life with or without a father.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

It seems so peculiar that you have TWICE had the misfortune to relate to men who refused to believe your gynae problems, and yet didn't have the simple sense to speak to your gynae to confirm what you said. DOnt even try to convince them further --- for their own inner insecurities, they don't want to know. And as the saying goes, you can't reason someone ouit of something they were never reasoned into, in the first place.
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