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24 Mar 2003

He slept with another woman for spite
Dear CyberShrink,
How do I deal with this tremendous anger I feel? After a stupid argument, my ex-boyfriend meets up with his brothers' ex-girlfriend visiting from the UK, goes to the coast with her... I found out in a roundabout way because I believe in intuition or my sixth sense.. I just know when someone is lying to me and I just get this gut feel about things. When he did not take my calls etc. I just knew something was up. When I found out that he had indeed been to bed with her, I went ballistic. I have never experienced such pain, both physical and mental. I was and am still battling to come to terms with it. This is someone I have been thru' the mill with for two and a half years. I have had quite a traumatic life, but have always remained a lady and did the best I could to be a good mother and single parent. I can tell you that it had been tough doing it all alone and although I made mistakes along the way, learned from them and got up and tried again. So I am a pretty strong, independent person. I guess I did become a bit tough because there was no time to be too emotional when survival is at stake. I've been let down before but nothing has affected me this badly, because he is the first guy I allowed beyond the walls and I completely opened up like a flower. He taught me to love and be loved after I had spent 5 years on my own vowing never to get involved again. We shared some pretty special times and he could make me feel like the most beautiful person on earth. But he was, at times an emotional abuser, would want me to spend ALL my time with him. He always complained that I was'nt affectionate enough or the sex was'nt enough. I changed this way and that and ended up losing myself. As a warrior goddess I do have battle scars and do suffer from depression. I have been on Prozac and a year ago was put on Effexor XR. I have been trying to establish where it stems from and have done Transformation workshops, and started Hypnotherapy in December - all for this relationship as well as for myself. This type of therapy can be very emotional and painful at times, so the last thing I needed was this shock. I now know that he is not the man for me and I do not want him back because I know this episode will always be between us. This has always been one of my greatest fears. I am an intelligent woman with a quick mind. I also know quite a bit about psychology, emotions etc. and have often helped friends thru' difficult times. I know my friends love and respect me dearly for whom I am. I have been acting totally out of character with this nonsense, but at times I feel I'd like to punch them both and am convinced I will get some satisfaction out of it. I have to take Serepax to stay calm, else I blow up at everything. I take Stilnox to sleep but get only 4 hours joy out of that and wake every two hours. Have lost 5kgs in less than a month. Now I torture myself because I feel guilty about acting like a scorned woman, but its not about that. I just hurt so much and some days cannot believe he could have been so cruel. And then he has the cheek to blame me because he assumed that I had done the same - never ever have and never ever will. She went back to UK after her 2 week stint, but he tells me she is coming back for him. He gloats and just adds to my pain by telling me how wonderful she is etc etc. and how much she loves him. I tried mind-switching, anger management, medicinal drugs and of course hypnotherapy, what else is left? I have really tried to move on but the anger just bubbles up time and time again. Why do some human being enjoy causing another so much grief and pain? Do they even realise what it does to a sensitive, loving person?
Answer 863 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Crushed,
Does this mean that your Hypnotherapist has ben unable to cope with the problem and help you with it ? I continue to be deeply sceptical about the practice of "Hypnotherapy" in this country, as so many pracitioners sem to make claims that are not supported by any scientific evidence, and venture far beyond the modest areas in which they might be effective. learning to hypnotize a willing subject is terribly easy, and rather trivial. Learning how to work with someone strong and vulnerable, like you ; and how to deal usefully with such complex interpersonal issues, is more difficult and lengthy. If the "hypnotherapist" as not had a thorough training in basic psychotherapy / family therapy / couples therapy as well as the full basic training of a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist, then their work in this sort of problem is likely to be mere amateur meddling.
You'd surely do far better with a real psychotherapist, preferably someone using the scientifically validated and tested method of Cognitive therapy.
What I don't understand in your message, though, is that you start be describing this guy as your "ex-boyfriend". If he's your Ex, surely it's entirely up to him who he sleeps with or sorfs with ? Isn't that what "ex" means ?
It sounds as if, when your relationship with him ended, he got on with his life ; but that you seem to have remained feeling deeply emotionally tied to him ? Don't you deserve to find someone with whom you can have a relationship as satisfying as this one was in its earlier days, but on a long-term basis ? Don't you deserve someone better than him ? And don't you deserve to set yourself free from him ?
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