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05 Jul 2005

Heartbroken
My best friend is a man and one of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life. He is married with a child and his wife doesn't have a problem with the friendship. I even discussed the friendship with her and told her that if she feels that we are too close she should tell me, because instead of hurting her feeling and taking her husbands time away from her I would rather not be his friend anymore. She specifically told me that she had no problem with the friendship. On Saturday I was at my friends house, as soon as I walked in my friend and I started talking etc. He has a tendency to call me sweety, babe etc. But I've asked him not to do this infront of his wife or her family as they might think that something was happening between us. First thing he does as I walked in was say something like: "Hey babe, how was your day?, this made his wife raise and eyebrow. His wife has not really been out with us and doesnt know how close our friendship really is. As I was sitting on the couch he came and laid behind me, this causing his sister in law to raise and eyebrow. Saturday evening we went out for coffee, (his wife, me, his sister-in-law, and himself). The waiter asked us what we wanted to eat, his wife's orders cake and he says to the waiter he's not ordering because he'll share with me. Then as the coffee came he tells me to scoop off the cream. Half way through he swops our coffee because he says that his was getting cold and mine is warmer. All the time his wife is sitting opposite him and just looking at what was happening between her husband and I. As we were walking through the centre he would rather stop and look at things with me than his wife. On Sunday he was working and came to spend the afternoon at my house, all the time his wife was SMS'ing him and I knew that something was wrong but he wouldn't tell him. Yesterday he called me and told me that he's wife is having a problem with the friendship and that his life is too hectic and he needs to take things out of his life thats stressing him out. In the afternoon he calls me and tells me that his decided that we cant be friends anymore and that we should stop seeing / calling each other. This really hurt my feelings because I feel that I didnt do anything wrong. Its my b-day on saturday and we were supposed to spend time together but he said that he had other things to do. Why is it that he causes the problems and I'm the one feeling hurt? The worst part is that if he valued our friendship would it have been so easy to stop the friendship. I will respect his wishes and not call him, but its so difficult as he and I used to speak about everything and now it seems something is missing in my life.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Sounds like he's evading his responsibilities within his mariage, including his responsibility to work together with his wife to fix anything within the relationship that's not working well. What you describe him as doing is nasty, selfish, and cruel, to so display and flaunt a degree of intimacy with you, in front of her, that he didn't even try to match with her. And it sounds as though you have been accepting and encouraging a degree of intimacy from him, that went far beyond anything his wife could have thought she was agreeing to when you asked her. Maybe you think you did nothing wrong, but you also apparently did nothing to stop him from embarrassing and hurting his wife's feelings by his performances with you.
As he was happy to cause problems that have obviously hurt his wife, and, so you say, you as well, is he worth missing ? Why not form a better friendship with someone who is not already committed to someone else ?
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