Ask an expert

04 Apr 2006

Homes and all
Hi guys,
Thanks for all the encouragement and the info. Yes, I know he won't change but it just feels so wrong to leave him in the street, he is still the father of my baby. I know I am trying to justify. I know it won't work but the guilt is eating away at me.

His family no longer wants to help him. He went to a friend the friend gave him food and told him to leave, also telling him to pull himself right and said he would not give him money, because he will buy cigarettes or booze. I believe that is a real friend.
The other "friends" he has don't want to help either. He has burnt all his bridges so to say. He now works on me, making me feel like it is all my fault, he still loves me and promises to change, etc. etc.

I can feel I am starting to falter....... damnit, I wish I could be harder than this. I will loose my own friends if I help him, but if I don't.... he has threatened to kill himself again. What if I give him a roof over his head only, do you think he will worm his way back, even if I am tough and say there is nothing more between us and I will not help him in any other way, or am I being naive?
Answer 422 views

01 Jan 0001

Hello BT,
The reacions you describe, from his other friends, and family, confirm that your view of him and his problems , is nothing unqiue or idiosyncratic, but one widely shared by others who have tried to understand and care for him. DO NOT FALTER. If it was all your fault --- how did you manage to be so brilliantly malignant as to foul up his relationship with all his family and other friends ? If you're that tyalented, why aren't you a politician ?
Notice the irony in your comment that you feel if you don't give in to him, "he will kill himself again" ? That's up to him, and his choice --- it is NOT a reason for you to sacrifice your happiness and freedom to enable him to return and compound your own problems AND HIS. It would not help him. There's no way you could give him a roof over his head and nothing more --- he would already have wormed his way back in, by then. He does have alternatives, like the Salvation Army and other church groups, for instance, which he is choosing not to explore, because he is confident that he can force you to give in to his wishes.
He is your baby's father by accident of biology, but does not seem to have managed to be any real father in terms of providing, emotionally, financially, or in any other way, for the child. If he thinks it's so easy for you just because you have a job --- then let him get himself a job, and have it easy for him, too.
You are allowing him to have far too much communication with you, allowing him the means to manipulate you further. Cut off that communication. Giving in to him now, giving him a place to stay, will reinforce all of his refusals to take proper care of himself. As Chelle says, it will confirm to him that you will always f\provide for him, is he whines enough and if he becomes violent --- those lessons would be bad for him, and you, if reinforced. He HAS to take responsibility for his own life and choices.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical examination, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.
Voting Booth
Have you entered our Health of the Nation survey?
Please select an option Oops! Something went wrong, please try again later.
32% - 9426 votes
68% - 19889 votes