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24 Mar 2003

How?
I've always tried to understand how can someone you love watch porn and then after that look you in your eyes as if nothing really happened and tell you that he loves you, I don't understand...to me it feels like he just cheated on me...it's driving me crazy...why do men watch this and then feel disgusted when some woman doesn't appear appropriate in public?

How can men be like this and then even be normal in public, I would feel strange in a way...don't know what's becoming of the social structure.
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear Abby, Well, let's see what our readers have to say about this one. It seems to me that you may be reading rather more into the act of looking at porn than do most of the people who look at it. Our neighbour's dog chases cars, but he doesn't know how to drive one. Some of what you see as contradictions may be revealing --- when he looks in your eyes and says he loves you, may he not be telling the truth ? He may look at porn, but he doesn't in the least "love" those posing in it --- he probably "loves" the members of his favourite cricket, soccer, or rugby team, more than he loves the anonymous posers ; yet you don't feel he's cheated on you if he gets excited about what happens to his favourite team when he's watching a match.
When he carries on afterwards as if nothing has happened, it may be because, for him, nothing much HAS happened. He might have become very wrapped up in a kung-fu movie he was watching, but would carry on, afterwards, as if nothing had happened --- because indeed nothing had happened, except for a brief period of something he found entertaining.
And, indeed, how anyone finds kung-fu ( martial arts ) movies in the least bit entertaining is a mystery to me ; which may explain why some folks watch them, and I avoid them. I don't understand how people find Rap music entertaining, when it's a boring old-fashioned form that hasn't evolved or changed in some 30 years --- but other people seem to enjoy it greatly.
I understand that when "he" has been watching porn, you feel betrayed --- that is probably a genuine feeling that deserves respect. But the feeling doesn't mean that you were actually betrayed. He probably gave nothing, even in the depths of his heart, to the porn performers, that belonged to you or which you would value or appreciate.
And why shouldn't such men later "even be normal in public" ? Indeed, there are more problems with soccer hooligans and some rugby thugs being unruly after their team has won or lost, than there are problems with post-porn pranks. It's simply not such a big deal for those who choose to watch it ; and when their watching is over, they're no more bothered with it than they are, after an orgasm, with their usual sexual partner ; indeed very much less so, as there is no emotional involvement concerned.
As to what's becoming of the social structure, I see many trends in society and social structures that bother me much more, such as increasing callousness and cruelty to others, less caring, and a very low threshold to crime.
Porn existed and was popular at least in ancient Greece and Rome, and ever since. It's presentation has varied according to the technologies available, so in the days when production of naughty stories required a scribe and a large pile of vellum, it's circulation in that form was limited ; but there was probably far more telling and re-telling of ribald stories. What I'm saying is that it has been around for a very long time, and may not be responsible for the phenomena some of us see as a relative decline in the standards of civilization.
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