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12 Dec 2005

How do i do this without kicking a man when he is down?
Hi Everyone,

I have a major problem, my boyfriend used to hit me we were going for 6 years and i always thought he'd change, it never happened and when his family got involved it got worse, we had some really good times and went overseas twice together. I know he tries but for me it was not hard enough eventually 2 months ago i built up the guts to leave, i made a friend in September and he helped me through the break up alot. As for my ex boyfriend he had no-one. After all the beatings and ill treatment i have totally fallen out of love with him. I had gotten a protection which i had cancelled because it was ruining his chances of getting a job, i did not want to destroy his life i just wanted out.. I still do. Since then he said we should be friends which i agreed to, then he found out that i slept with someone else, he said he is will ing to forget that if i gave him another chance. So we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend not because i love him but because nobody cared for him and everyone dropped him. I dont feel it is fair to string him along i dont love him at all and he loves enough to want to die for me, he tries so hard but it does not impress me at all. I have decided to go back to Durban, end of January and live with my parents because i need to focus on me and not on making everyone else happy, and he insists that i come and stay at the house we bought together and it will mean alot to him, especially help him with the fact that i will be living in Durban. I dont love him, how can i tell him this without destroying him. No one cares for him and i dont want him to throw away his life because i dont love him, he will find someone else i am just not that person for him. How do i do this without kicking a man when he is down? I also know that my relationship with the other guy will be a constant topic whenever we have problems in future i dont want my faults thrown into face everytime we have a problem. Tell me how i can do this and do it right???
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Strange, isnt it, how the victims of abusers always feel sure that the abuser will change ? They NEVER succeed in changing properly without engaging seriously in proper therapy with a specialist shrink. I;m not clear how you having a protection order forbidding him from approaching you, would interfere in any way with him getting a job, except perhaps in the same company you work in.
But what on earth business is it of his, what friends you have or who else you sleep with. Isn't he supposed to be your Ex ? Do all your other "friends" insist on controlling these details of your life ?
STOP giving him another chance --- it never helps either the abuser or his victims. Don't you dare feel sorry for him --- and why on earth let him be your bf just because he's so unpleasant that nobody else wants that gruesome role ?
Moat abusrs say they love you, but they don't act consistently lovingly. It will NOT destroy him for you to say NO and to do what is good for you rather than so pathetically struggling to make him happy. It is HIS task in life to make himself happy, without involving you in the process. If he choses to "throw away his life" that's his choice, and not your task to prevent. If nobody else likes him, that's his faulty, and if you stopped rescuing him, he might face that fact and stop being so unpleasant to people. he is NOT down, and you would NOT be "kicking him" by simply looking after yourself rather than perverting your life to always do what pleases him. And your having had a sustaining relationship with a kind man was not a "fault" it was a brief episode of good sense !
You have not ben helping him to stop being an abuser --- you have been helping him to continue as an abuser. Don't meet with him, and DO call POWA for advice from one of their customers about how to preserve your safety, now and in Durban.
YOu are in a most unwholesome co-dependent relationship with an abuser --- this has nothing to do with love.
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