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19 Feb 2004

How do I get him to move on?
I would really appreciate advice from anyone who can help me.
I had been dating a wonderful, sensitive man for a few months. I realised soon after we met that I was not attracted to him in that way, but he pursued me endlessly, I did not want a relationship, but a good friend, which he was, we did everything together! Eventually he wanted more, I desperately tried to feel that way about him, but its just not there. He became jealous and insecure...knowing I was causing him to behave that way I just had to call the whole thing off. I admitted to him that I was not 'in-love' with him and I get the feeling he was not in love with me either. The problem is that he is lonely and being in the same block of flats it’s hard for him to not come and visit. I think if he met someone else who he was in love with he would not come around. Because he still visits, of course it’s not really possible for me to be 'out there' in order to meet other men......I have considered moving, but that is just not possible.
He keeps thinking I will change my mind no matter what I say! I hate to see him sad, but I have made it very clear and will stick to my guns! I have met a really nice guy, whom I only met once, I would love to see him again, but I am finding it difficult to go anywhere…obviously he can see whether I am home or not, etc..
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Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

Dear lily,
Move on, not out.
I don't see much alternative to telling him, until he believes it, that you will not change your mind, and that it is because you care about him, as well as yourself, that you will not continue a relationship that cannot work out happilly for either of you. He's not only interefering with your own freedom to move on to other relationships, but also interfering with his own ability to do so. So this is one of those situations in which one may need to be cruel to be kind.
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