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04 Aug 2007

how do i tell her?
I don’t know if im been a b*tch about this but here is my story- im 22, female, and I have this friend that I have known for about 9 years, so we know each other pretty well. But now I have come to realize that she is not really my friend. She is actually quite a user. We have had problems in the past where she makes me so upset, but im the type of person that no-matter how upset someone makes me- I will avoid confrontation at all times. I stay alone and she moved away and now has come back to visit, but while she has been away, I have been having extreme financial difficulties, one of those situations that you are counting coins to eat. Anyway, she just invited herself- didn’t ask. Then, during her 2WEEK stay, she invites her teenage brother and his friend, and a few days later has invited one of her cousins(girl). Im not a selfish person and I don’t mind all these people by my house, but NOT at this point in my life. Im basically still recovering from that financial rut that I have been in and still not that stable. However, I cant be mean, or say no- they cant come. But what she doesn’t understand is that- I will be paying the water and electricity when she is gone, and its hard going home, cos all of them are there, and I feel terrible cos there is no food in the house and I cant entertain them. I can survive without any groceries, cos I stay alone and usually eat when im at work or by my boyfriend. Its such an awkward situation, and then becos she is on holiday she wants to go out and party- and I just don’t have that kinda money and petrol to be driving these people around and join in the festivities. she doesn’t drive- so I have to be carting all these people around- or fetching them from airports- im just so sad that my best friend could treat me this way and not consider the fact that im not in a good place right now in my life- and im completely embarrassed that I cant give them a good time, or cook them a meal. Why am I thinking like this- I keep on thinking that im been ugly and selfish- but at the same time, every good thing she has ever done for me, looks like there has always been an ulterior motive.. I hate this, I don’t know how to stand up for myself- and its getting to me in a bad way. Help me please- someone- anyone. They still there by my house- I need to let her know how uncomfortable I feel about this before she leaves, but I don’t want to offend her.
Answer 419 views
Expert
CyberShrink
cybershrink

01 Jan 0001

No real friend would dump herself on you without invitation, nor be insensitive to your current financial problems. And for her to selfishly invite OTHER people to stay with you is outrageously selfish andinconsiderate --- beyond doubt she is a greedy user. It is NOT mean to say they can't come, or to tell them to leave. It is YOUR home, not hers.
Don't buy ANY food for them --- getting food for themselves and for you is the least they could do, these ungrateful users ! And THEY have the cheek to expect YOu to drivbe them around and pay for their partying ? Monsters. There's not the faintest reason for you to feel embarrassed or ashamed. Tell them you can't aford freeloaders, and give them a day to arrange to go, either home, or at least somewhere else. And don't worry at all about offending her --- she's no friend, that's for sure, and must have skin thicker than a rhino --- she deserves to be offended. Just say NO and Go.
anon is right. And maybe when your financial situation is better, see a good practical counsellor to work on assertiveness and setting limits for others- -- that'd be a wise investment
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